Let me offer my meager insight into marriage. I have come to realize that there is no way my marriage will survive if I am not putting 100% of myself in to it.  80%, 90%, not even 99% will suffice.  Anything less than 100% is not giving my due diligence to the commitment I made in front of God and to my husband.  Unbelievably, this realization, this simple truth, did not occur to me until I was on my second marriage and running that into the ditch about as well as I had done with the first one. 

I know I am not alone when I say that marriage is hard work.  It takes effort every day to keep it thriving.  Regardless of how much we put into our marriages or how focused we are on our spouses, problems arise.  We have dry spells.  We inadvertently drive a wedge between our husbands and ourselves.  Some of our marriage issues are larger than life: infidelity, lying, abuse, while others are less severe, but still seemingly difficult to navigate through.  Due to these inevitable times in our marriages, many of us might find ourselves in compromising situations and not even realize it.  Temptations creep into our lives and our marriages without our conscious awareness.  In its presence, we can lose sight of everything we hold dear.  

Consider this.  Perhaps there is a dad at your child’s school that you enjoy chatting with, or maybe it is a co-worker that hangs out with you in the break room.  As harmless as these companionships of the opposite sex may appear, they only allow room for temptation and sin when problems arise in your marriage.  They may pose no risk when things are going well with your husband.  However, if your spouse is anything like mine, as most men are not very different from each other, there are always times when things are not going well.  After all, we cannot truly appreciate the good, without openly accepting the bad.  I cannot count on both hands how many times I have uttered the words:  “he just doesn’t understand me”…or “he won’t listen to me”…or “he never pays attention to me”…or “he doesn’t have a clue what I go through every day”…the list is endless and legitimate at that. 

I am confident when I write that I am not alone in those utterances.  I am not insinuating in any way that our gripes are not justifiable either.  I am expressing the deep concern I have regarding these less than blissful times that all marriages go though.  These are the times when our guard must be on red alert.  As harmless as the platonic relationships you hold during the good times are, the more dangerous they can become in short order during the difficult times. 

At times I have even found myself texting, emailing, or chatting on the phone with friends of the opposite sex and divulging more about my problems in my marriage than I realized at the time.  As harmless as these relationships can be, I know looking back that it was providing me with a companionship that I should only be getting from my husband.   With this realization came great regret for what now feels like a betrayal to my husband. 

 While my husband may not have been able to give me that companionship I needed at the time for whatever reason, I made a decision to wait on him until he could provide that for me.  When he makes the effort, and he always does eventually, my heart needs to be fully available to receive it.  This is something I do not feel I would be able to do if I continued to carry on friendships with other men that provided for my emotional needs.  The friendship suddenly becomes a distraction and a diversion from your life momentarily.  However, during difficult times, rather than being diverted from it, we need to be fully present in it if we want to get it back on track.     

I used to think that if my husband would just try harder, do this, or do that, then we would be perfect.  I have come to realize that I cannot control his actions or reactions, but I can control my actions and reactions.  So now, instead of praying for God to change my husband’s heart, I am praying that God will change mine!  I need to change my actions, thoughts, and feelings towards my husband.  I need to avoid temptation, even if that temptation is only in the form of friendship from another man.  I need to open my heart again to even be able to receive the love that my spouse is trying to give me.  Moreover, I have to say, praying for myself makes me feel a whole lot more empowered over my situation than waiting on my husband to make the changes.   

I know many of you reading this are throwing your hands in the air in disagreement.  I want to be clear on this.  I am in no way insinuating that every married woman who carries on friendships with men or has acquaintances of the opposite sex is in danger of cheating on her husband when times get tough.  Nor am I claiming that all co-ed relationships be terminated immediately.  I am simply pointing out a pitfall that I personally have found myself in and want to caution other woman in an effort to avoid the same mistakes I made.  If you take anything away from this passage, simply make a note of it in the back of your mind.  Should you ever find yourself falling into the same sinful traps, you will be on alert for the warning signs.