I stumbled across this entry in my journal from a couple of years ago. While my situation has changed dramatically since that day (thank God for Natalie), I thought the sentiment was worth publishing. As summer approaches, the message is a good reminder to all of us moms that our time with our children is precious and limited, so cling to it like super glue! I’m sure that many of you can relate to the feelings tied up in YOUR first day of Kindergarten…and Avery, this one is for you!
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Today may quite possibly be one of the most difficult and gut retching days of my life. In my 31 years, I have never dreaded the first day of kindergarten quite like I have today. For the past eleven years, since the day my first daughter was born, I have been a stay-at-home mom. Granted, I have picked up part-time jobs here and there, but my heart has always been at home.
Summer has always been my favorite season, and it actually has very little to do with the weather. You see, each school year I send my babies off to school, but each summer my children came back to me. Summer is all ours. Beach days, swimming at the local pool, parks, picnics, cookouts, little league; it doesn’t matter. It is summer and it is all ours.
But today….wow…..today is the first day of school. My baby, my youngest, went off to his first full day of kindergarten today. Today is the first day in 11 years that my proud title of “stay-at-home mom” doesn’t apply any longer. There are no more babies to care for this morning. There is no toddler running around; there is no lunch to make; there are no naps to take; there is no more snuggling on the couch in our PJ’s to watch morning cartoons. That phase in our time together is gone, and I can never get it back.
Today is much more monumental for me than it is for my 5 year old. He is blissfully off and running, starting a new and exciting phase in his life, while I am forced into “early retirement”. I need to find a new title; a new job description; a new purpose for my days and quite frankly, I don’t want to. I love my job. It fulfills me. It is my calling in life, and it’s passing by at break-neck speed.
I left my baby on the playground today and along with him, a huge chunk of my heart. I pray that my children will keep my heart close to them throughout their days at school, and I know that in approximately 270 days, I will get it back. We can start all over again for those few brief, but cherished months of summer where I can be gainfully “employed” again. A time when I can proudly announce my title ounce again to the world: I am a “stay-at-home mom”!
But until then, I guess I must go and find a new job; a new title that better suites who I must reluctantly become. And in the mean time, I pray that our time together was enough.
I pray that I was enough.
