Let me offer my meager insight into marriage. I have come to realize that there is no way my marriage will survive if I am not putting 100% of myself in to it.  80%, 90%, not even 99% will suffice.  Anything less than 100% is not giving my due diligence to the commitment I made in front of God and to my husband.  Unbelievably, this realization, this simple truth, did not occur to me until I was on my second marriage and running that into the ditch about as well as I had done with the first one. 

I know I am not alone when I say that marriage is hard work.  It takes effort every day to keep it thriving.  Regardless of how much we put into our marriages or how focused we are on our spouses, problems arise.  We have dry spells.  We inadvertently drive a wedge between our husbands and ourselves.  Some of our marriage issues are larger than life: infidelity, lying, abuse, while others are less severe, but still seemingly difficult to navigate through.  Due to these inevitable times in our marriages, many of us might find ourselves in compromising situations and not even realize it.  Temptations creep into our lives and our marriages without our conscious awareness.  In its presence, we can lose sight of everything we hold dear.  

Consider this.  Perhaps there is a dad at your child’s school that you enjoy chatting with, or maybe it is a co-worker that hangs out with you in the break room.  As harmless as these companionships of the opposite sex may appear, they only allow room for temptation and sin when problems arise in your marriage.  They may pose no risk when things are going well with your husband.  However, if your spouse is anything like mine, as most men are not very different from each other, there are always times when things are not going well.  After all, we cannot truly appreciate the good, without openly accepting the bad.  I cannot count on both hands how many times I have uttered the words:  “he just doesn’t understand me”…or “he won’t listen to me”…or “he never pays attention to me”…or “he doesn’t have a clue what I go through every day”…the list is endless and legitimate at that. 

I am confident when I write that I am not alone in those utterances.  I am not insinuating in any way that our gripes are not justifiable either.  I am expressing the deep concern I have regarding these less than blissful times that all marriages go though.  These are the times when our guard must be on red alert.  As harmless as the platonic relationships you hold during the good times are, the more dangerous they can become in short order during the difficult times. 

At times I have even found myself texting, emailing, or chatting on the phone with friends of the opposite sex and divulging more about my problems in my marriage than I realized at the time.  As harmless as these relationships can be, I know looking back that it was providing me with a companionship that I should only be getting from my husband.   With this realization came great regret for what now feels like a betrayal to my husband. 

 While my husband may not have been able to give me that companionship I needed at the time for whatever reason, I made a decision to wait on him until he could provide that for me.  When he makes the effort, and he always does eventually, my heart needs to be fully available to receive it.  This is something I do not feel I would be able to do if I continued to carry on friendships with other men that provided for my emotional needs.  The friendship suddenly becomes a distraction and a diversion from your life momentarily.  However, during difficult times, rather than being diverted from it, we need to be fully present in it if we want to get it back on track.     

I used to think that if my husband would just try harder, do this, or do that, then we would be perfect.  I have come to realize that I cannot control his actions or reactions, but I can control my actions and reactions.  So now, instead of praying for God to change my husband’s heart, I am praying that God will change mine!  I need to change my actions, thoughts, and feelings towards my husband.  I need to avoid temptation, even if that temptation is only in the form of friendship from another man.  I need to open my heart again to even be able to receive the love that my spouse is trying to give me.  Moreover, I have to say, praying for myself makes me feel a whole lot more empowered over my situation than waiting on my husband to make the changes.   

I know many of you reading this are throwing your hands in the air in disagreement.  I want to be clear on this.  I am in no way insinuating that every married woman who carries on friendships with men or has acquaintances of the opposite sex is in danger of cheating on her husband when times get tough.  Nor am I claiming that all co-ed relationships be terminated immediately.  I am simply pointing out a pitfall that I personally have found myself in and want to caution other woman in an effort to avoid the same mistakes I made.  If you take anything away from this passage, simply make a note of it in the back of your mind.  Should you ever find yourself falling into the same sinful traps, you will be on alert for the warning signs.   

           I always wanted my children to be “successful”.  And by successful I meant society’s version of success, a great education, a fantastic job that earns tons of money, having nice things, and the list could go on and on.  If they could accomplish all that, then they would be a success and hence, so would I.  I mean, I raised them.  I put my heart and soul into this job called “motherhood” and I took this job and turned it into a fulltime career with five children.  Therefore, if they grew up to be “successful” adults, then I too had succeeded in my career.  However, I was wrong.  I was dead wrong! 

It is not just about how much you earn or what society considers successful.  Do what makes your heart sing!  Think about whatever it is that you love.  What brings a smile to your face?  What energizes you?  What puts a skip in your step; a song in your heart; and brings comfort to your soul…whatever “that” is…do it!  Do it, and do it to the very best of your ability.  Do it with all your heart and give it your soul.  Regardless of how much you earn, regardless of what society thinks of it.  If it is good; if it is of service to others; if it pays forward God’s Word…than it will always be enough.

I have since changed my definition of success for my children and myself.  If my children grow up to earn minimum wage and never own a home, but they are truly happy; if they have honest joy in their lives; if they are good friends, loyal spouses, loving parents, and forgiving Christians then they will truly have succeeded in life.  I will have done my job well.  I will have been a good steward of these precious gifts God had allowed me to be a part of. 

After all, that is truly what being a mother is all about.  It is not even about making a career out of raising children as much as it is about being a good steward of God’s gifts.  The children I have the privilege of raising here on Earth still belong to God’s great Kingdom up in Heaven.  He has just been kind enough to me in allowing me to share in their lives.  Do I not owe it to Him to take great strides and great care in seeing to it that HIS children learn from me the true definition of success?  The version of success defined by God, rather than society.

  So whether or not my children “succeed” according to society is irrelevant.  Living in God’s grace, dwelling in His mercy…, and teaching my children to do the same with their life…that is my success story! 

 I tried to sit down the other day and make a list of what I really wanted out of life.  Aside from the obvious health and happiness for my children, safety and prosperity for my friends and family, etc. I came up with four things that I either currently struggle with or have and want more of.  1.  Respect….from family and friends.  2.  Financial Stability…not to be rich, just to be comfortable 3. Success…in every aspect of my life.  4.  A closer understanding and relationship with God

 Respect:  How can I demand it and expect it when I do not give it or show it?  If we reap what we sow, then I must spread seeds of respect in order to harvest respect.  If I degrade myself mentally by negative thoughts; if I deny myself physically by ignoring my own health; if I insult my own spirituality by downplaying my need for God, then who is my biggest enemy?  Is it my children who disrespect my authority?  Is it my husband who raises his voice to me?  Is it my boss who demeans me?  No!  I am at fault first and foremost.  In failing to show myself respect on all levels-mentally, physically, and spiritually-I am merely reaping the disrespect I have sown.  I cannot command of others what I fail to command of myself. 

A Closer relationship and understand of God:  It may just come to you, but odds are not in your favor for clairvoyance as the answer to your prayers.  God has actually given us the manual to life.  How to live the life we all dream of.  It is written in black and white and red and yet most of us are still searching for the answers.  We are looking for a better solution to our problems.  We really just make things more complicated than they need to be.  If we truly want to know how to live out the rest of our days, then why not just pick up the life manual God gave us?  I know why I do not always turn to His Word for the answers.  It is hard.  It is so hard to live His Will and forgo my own that I would much rather struggle through life in search of an easier way to do things.  Yet searching and struggling cannot be any easier than just doing it His Way.  Is it really that hard or perhaps when you chose to try it His way, it becomes the easiest thing you have ever done. 

Financial Stability:  It is a constant work in progress.  It will not fall in my lap.  It will not present itself in a dream.  And we all know it will not grow on trees.  Rather, we must seize it like a thief in the night or opportunity knocking on our door.  We must make the tough choices in order to see it to fruition.  Make cuts in the budget where it is needed.  Work harder for that which matters most.  Decide what matters most first though, or it will be a work in futility.  Not everything can carry the same weight when money is tight. 

Success:  If we feel we have achieved success; if we stop ourselves from aspiring to succeed, then we give up on all the other things that keep us moving in life.   If I feel I have reached the pinnacle of success at work, at home, with God, then what motivation do I have to keep raising the bar?  The Glass Ceiling must be in constant motion.  We must always see it clearly and be reaching for it.  Once we touch it…once it is shattered…then we must raise the roof higher and work towards reaching new heights.

 With these, respect, financial stability, sucess, and a closer relationship with God, we can all find peace of mind, body, home, and spirit.  These are the four things I am going to continue to strive for in an effort to reap what I sow!

                So many women, in particular stay-at-home moms, are in the same place in life right now.  We all love being a mom and nothing comes before our family, but personally speaking, I need to find out who I am aside from being “mom”.  I need something for myself, something to fill a void that’s very apparent in my life.  I have a feeling of discontentment, and I have gotten that confused in the past.  I blamed it on my marriage, my home, or my job.  I would decide that if I only had a new job it would be better.  Or if my husband would just do this or that, it would be better.  Or if my children would just listen to me, it would be better.  Or if the living room was painted a different color, then I would be content.  Regardless of what I chose to fixate on, the void never went away.  That is when I started to realize that it is not a result of the people or things around me, but rather a problem within me.  None of those external things are ever going to fill the void.  

                It has finally occurred to me that the void is simply an identity crisis.  I don’t know who I am aside from being “mom”.  My children keep growing, changing, and are moving on with their lives at break neck speed, but I am stuck.  I am not growing.  I am not changing.  I am not moving on in my life.  Before I know it, my children will be grown and out of the house and what will I be left with?  What will I be when being a “stay-at-home mom” is no longer an option?  I don’t have the answer to that so this blog is my meager attempt to figure it out.  I want to find the answer before that harsh reality is here and slapping me in the face.

              So far this week I have decided that I want to be a nurse, start a childcare business, become a freelance writer, publish a non-fiction book, and perhaps dabble in writing a blog!  Oh, and I would be remiss not to add that I started a MBA program a month ago because I decided I wanted to go back to school! I also quit said MBA program a week ago because I decided I did not like business enough to “master” in it!  Seriously, could I be more insane? How can a 33-year-old woman with five children, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, loyal friends, and a stellar family support system possibly be having such an identity crisis? I may not be able to tell you how this is possible, but I certainly can tell you that it is indeed a reality.  It is a reality of my life and I know for many women in my life circumstance. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

I am an ordinary woman with a need to achieve greatness. I am nothing special to look at. I offer average intellect and sub-par athletic abilities. I am a classic jack-of-all-trades, but master of none. I volunteer for the PTA and car pool to soccer practice, but my humanitarian efforts are not winning me awards. I attend church, but have in no way paid forward the blessings the good Lord has bestowed upon me. I am raising amazingly beautiful, well-adjusted, intelligent, talented, and loving children, which I take very little credit for. After all, God did the hard part in creating their souls. I just try to nurture them to the best of my ability and steer them in the right direction when they are headed off coarse. I am not a prize winning artist or a sought after commodity in the business sect.

So who am I?

I am many things. I am a sister, a daughter, a student, a wife, but most importantly, I am a mother! I see myself as a woman who nurtures and protects my children through times of self discovery and challenges of independence. I nurse sick children back to health in times of illness. I am their biggest fan who supports and encourages my children to spread their wings and fly. I am a housekeeper and a homemaker. I am the chef who nourishes their tummies, and the coach who keeps them active. I play the role of psychologist when emotional struggles arise. I am their protector when the boogie man rears his ugly head. I am the secretary who keeps track of their very busy schedules. I am their teacher of faith, values, morals, empathy and compassion. I am the organizer who sees to it that there is a place for every toy, and every toy is in its place. I am the cheerleader through their first basketball games and the relationship expert through their first romances. I am their comfort who is always available to kiss away the boo-boos and hug away the tears of a broken heart. I am the referee for their disputes and the life guard at their pool parties. I am the chauffeur to the play dates and school dances. I am the eyes, ears, heart, and soul of my family. I am the caption of this ship called “life” and without me, my children would surely sink. Many may see me as “just” a stay-at-home mom, but I view my role in life much deeper than that label suggests. I may not be winning awards, working my way up a corporate ladder, or scoring salary increases on my performance reviews, and yet I still feel my job is the most important position a woman can aspire to. My wage for what I do may not be in the form of traditional cash transactions, but my paychecks are more valuable than any other. I receive the most precious of rewards each day… hugs in the morning, kisses at night, blessings by the dozens, and “I love you’s” that never end. I have badges of honor in the form of stretch marks, and “best mom” awards on the refrigerator. I am a mother!

So why then is this not enough? I am doing the most important job in the world. It is rewarding and fulfilling, and brings immeasurable joy to my world, yet I struggle daily to find myself in the midst of dirty laundry and children’s artwork. As if that were not bad enough, guilt seeps in for struggling with my place in the world. I know it should be enough to be “mom” so I carry around the extra burden of guilt because I want even more than I already have been blessed with.  I have a desperate need to find myself…to identify with something other than the term “mom”.  It is an identity crisis that I believe many moms can relate to.