After “The Skinny Cow” debut, I received a wealth of feedback, so I am certain it struck a chord with many of my readers.  The issue of weight management is nothing new for women, and it’s definitely not a novel concept for me either.  Talking about it however, has been extremely difficult for me over the years.  It is just recently that I have felt the courage to skim the surface of such an in depth and emotional topic.   

Part of what I set out to do with this blog is find out who I am as an individual.  Who am I, aside from being my children’s mom?  A huge part (no pun intended) of who I am  revolves around my weight.  When the numbers on the scale are down, my confidence is up, and thus my social calendar is full.  When my numbers are up, my confidence is nonexistent, and thus neither are my social commitments.

 I know to any of you who do not suffer from negative body-image issues, you may think this sounds insane, and I’m sure that it is.  However, truth be told…I honestly avoid social situations when I feel fat.  I feel as if everyone at school, at the bank, or at the grocery store is looking at me and judging my weight.  I cannot even express through words how self-conscious I become when we are eating out at a restaurant.  I find myself explaining and justifying every bite I put in my mouth.  “Well, I only ate X, Y, Z today so I really need to eat something for dinner!”  And as I listen to myself “justifying” my meals, I wonder if anyone else feels the compulsory need to do the same. 

 As I mentioned in the post “The Skinny Cow”, I avoid the camera like the plague… so you should see how nervous I get and how ridiculous I look when the camera comes out in a social setting, and I disappear under the nearest table.  Honestly, when I am out in public or around friends and family…and even when I am left alone with my own thoughts…my weight issues are all consuming!  “Obsessed” might not be a strong enough word for what I put myself through every minute of every day.  

I equate it to being an addict…although I’m not sure you can technically be addicted to Oreo’s.  I am addicted to the obsession over my weight!  At times, I am addicted to the food, but not in the way you might think.  I am overweight, but I eat far less than many thin people I know.  I consider it an addiction because of the mind control food has over me at times.  I think about every bite I put in my mouth.  Sometimes I am obsessing about only putting healthy food in my body…and other times I am obsessing over how fat I am…so what the hell…please pass the cake!

 It consumes my every thought.  It dictates what I eat…either good or bad.  If the number on the scale when I weigh myself for the 5th time today is a 1/2 a pound less, then I am motivated to go eat something healthy or walk another mile.   But when I weigh myself for the 10th time today and the number is up by a pound, I am just as motivated to say, “Screw the extra mile!”  Then I head straight to the kitchen to indulge in some chocolate to make myself “feel better”.  It’s shear madness!

I believe the most difficult part of managing my self-proclaimed “addiction” is that we cannot live without food.  An alcoholic who swears off drinking doesn’t ever learn how to drink in moderation.  To grossly understate the process….he/she quits cold turkey and never consumes another sip of alcohol.  Unfortunately for me, I have to eat.  I cannot swear off food, which is what makes this kind of an addiction so difficult to control.  

I have to learn how to use food in moderation…even healthy food choices.  I decide I am going on a diet and all of a sudden, all I can eat are salads.  I get on a tomato kick and I’m eating 6 tomatoes a day.  There is no moderation in my vocabulary when it comes to managing my weight.  I am an “all or nothing” kind of girl and regrettably, for as many years as I can remember, food has been either all…..or nothing….for me.  

So what is the solution in breaking this cycle and ending the madness in my thinking?  Good question.  If I had the answer, I wouldn’t be in this insane roller coaster of a body with the mental health of a schizophrenic!  However, I do know that finally writing about it has brought forth some clarity for me.  Hearing from women across the country who tell me that they understand…that they too struggle with these same issues…makes me feel more normal than insane for the first time in my life.  

Bottom line….I’m going to keep writing about my weight struggles.  I am going to muster up the courage to put it out there for the world to see all my inner most thoughts and feelings about my weight, body image, and self esteem demons.  

And by doing so….perhaps someone out there can relate and breathe a deep, much needed sigh of relief if for no other reason than…you are not alone!