My children are leaving for their first “family” vacation with their dad’s side of the family this Thursday morning.  He is flying with the four kids (brave man) to Florida where he is meeting up with his sister, brother, brother-in-law, and parents.  They are spending a few days at the resort they rented for the week.  They are taking the kids to Universal Studios and Animal Kingdom.  They are also going to hit up a water park and spend a day or two at the beach.  A lovely vacation planned for my very blessed children.  The kids are are all very excited and can’t wait, but I must admit that my enthusiasm is not quite in check with theirs.

Honestly, my heart is breaking.  To call it “separation anxiety” would be putting it mildly!   In the 13 years that I have been a mother, I have never gone 8 days without seeing my children.  Even more difficult than the mere time apart is all that I am missing in their world while they are experiencing such a wonderful week in their young lives.  I can’t believe I am actually going to miss their first plane trip.  I won’t be there to see the anxious anticipation in their eyes as the plane starts to take off down the runway.  I won’t be there to witness the beauty held in my children’s smiles when they enter the magical world of Disney or the warmth in their spirits when they run down the beach and dive into the ocean.

I am also struggling with being relatively alone in my feelings of angst over the trip.   Aside from one close girlfriend, I do not have a single friend who is divorced with children.  So needless to say, nobody around me seems to understand how this feels for me.  Yes, I am probably having a bit of a pity party here…after all, it is my fault I’m divorced and this kind of stuff comes with the territory.  But I’m really not trying to… I’m just genuinely struggling with this new facet of being a divorced parent.  When you are surrounded by friends and acquaintances that don’t know what it feels like not to tuck their kids into bed every night, it’s hard for them to empathize with my situation….and hard for me to take all the well meaning comments like, “Oh, just enjoy the time off” or “I’m sure by day two you will be loving the peace and quiet”.  Unfortunately, I know all too well that it simply doesn’t work that way for me.

On most days, I have come to grips with my divorce and what that means in terms of my children.  I understand that there are birthday parties I miss out on and fun day-trips I do not get to experience with them; however, I just create my own special memories with them and try to put those missed moments out of my mind whenever possible.  I try my best to focus on the positive and remember that when they are not with me, they are with their very loving and deserving father.  But it’s the moments out of the norm…like sharing them on Christmas night….or a family vacation without their mother that still pulls on my heartstrings and sends me into a tailspin over my divorce.

So as I reflect on how difficult the next couple weeks are going to be for me to blindly feel my way through an abyss which is my home without my children, I think what hurts the most is that I won’t be in a single memory they create during this vacation….other than my obvious absence.

…and what’s a “family” vacation without a mom?! :0(