All right,…I have been sitting here writing this post all the while wondering if I should continue to “put myself out there” regarding my weight issues.  It’s actually a rather emotional topic for me to blog about.  I have written this post…and then rewritten it…edited it…re-edited it…and I think I’m pretty much back to exactly what I started with-another post about my weight struggles in my brutal, tell-all honest fashion.  I don’t seem to have the knack for sugar coating things, especially when it comes to being honest with myself over my shortcomings.  So beating myself up over the heifer I have become (and a milking heifer at that) isn’t very difficult to do.  However, posting it for all my friends, family, and complete strangers half way around the world to read about tends to be where I hesitate before hitting the “publish” button.

I’m fairly certain at this point, the inner saga over my weight is never going to end which is rather depressing to acknowledge.  I mean, am I really going to have to battle this for the REST OF MY LIFE?!  Seriously?  I have finally come to the conclusion that I am indeed going to have to fight this demon on a daily basis for the rest of my mortal existence or just say “screw it” and go grab some Dairy Queen.  This week I have a bad attitude.  I’m bloated from my period…nice way to rationalize my insatiable craving for anything salty and then the need to chase it with anything sweet.  Sad but true, I really love blaming mother nature for all cravings far and wide and my inability to control myself.

Unfortunately, I was on a roll with exercising and then fell off the wagon with that too.  I had managed to log dozens of miles in just a few short weeks.  I had exercised for several weeks straight without so much as allowing myself to miss a day.  Then, I got sick…very sick , and that was all it took.  I have been feeling well again for weeks and still cannot bring myself to get back on track.  My dear, sweet, well-intentioned friend calls me every day to ask me if I want to walk or go to the water aerobics class we both signed up for (that I have subsequently attending ONCE), and every day I seem to have a new excuse not to join her.  Sometimes it’s legitimate.  My husband gets home late from work…we have plans with my parents for dinner….I have to wash my hair….I have to pick my nose…blah, blah, blah!  Leave it to me to find any reason not to go with her and then deal with the guilt once we hang up because I know I should be going.  I know deep down that nothing should be more important than exercising if I really want to end the battle of the bulge.  And yet even with this profound knowledge of what I should be doing, I continue to do the wrong things….like skipping the workouts in exchange for pizza and popcorn.

The most amazing aspect of all of this is that I continue to follow the same pattern and yet expect different results…which I do believe is the definition of “insanity”.  Let’s take a peak and what I put myself and my body through on a regular basis…

Step 1:  Ahhh, I love this step.  I let myself eat whatever I want because after all, life is too short to count calories, right?  I have a husband who loves me and is kind enough to lie to me whenever I ask him if I’m getting too fat.  I have enough sizes in my closet to fit into something at whatever size I’m in this month.  And quite frankly, who has the time and energy with 5 children at home to worry about their weight?  I need to just be happy with the skin I’m in and focus on what really matters….my hair?…my skin?….the birds?…the bees?  Well anyway, I’m sure there is something more important to focus on other than my weight.

Step 2:  Oh boy, summer is here.  The kids love the public pool which means I will have to wear a swimming suit in front of all those other mom’s…oh, the torture!  PANIC is probably the best word to describe this step.  I always end up in complete panic over some upcoming season or event.  Whether it’s Christmas and all the holiday parties I will need to attend or summer vacation and swimsuit season….there is always something that sends me into a tailspin and running for the diet pills and latest trend in fad diets and quick fixes to my ever expanding waste line.  I will enjoy my “last supper”…some feast I allow myself as I realize that the madness of eating anything with flavor must come to an end.  I savor each bite and promise myself that tomorrow the diet must start.

Step 3:  The obsession begins.  Not that it ever really ceases to exist in any of the other steps, but it’s in full force for step 3.  It’s all or nothing baby, and this step is all about being “all in”!  The urge to weigh myself 15 times a day is the norm, and I decide to get on a health food kick and all junk food is thrown away.  The kids really love this step.  They go from enjoying ice cream after dinner to fiber bars.  Nice trade off for a 9 year old, don’t ya think?  I also add the exercise portion to this step.  I’m fired up and raring to go!  I make big plans.  I overhaul the cupboards and my diet.  I join a gym and make long, detailed workout schedules.  I tell myself , “This is it!  I’m really going to do it this time!  I mean it!  I’m fed up with being fat and self-conscious, and I am really going to stick to it this time!  I’m going to be back in that size 6 before I know it!  I can’t wait!  I’m going to be so thin!  Blah, blah, blah!”

Now, If  I could just dwell in step 3, I would be thin, fit, healthy as a horse, and life would be grand.  However, I manage to maintain this stage for about 15 minutes, and then it becomes work….allot of work!  Who knew it would be so hard to monitor every morsel of food you put into your mouth and work out like a freak on steroids, just to drop a few pounds?  I mean, am I really that fat?  Do I really need to lose that much weight?  After all, life is too short to count calories, right?…..and we are back to step 1….

So where am I in the cycle this week?  Sadly, I guess I’m winding down step 1…the panic is setting in because my class reunion is right around the corner…so step 3 will begin tomorrow.  The really tragic part of this story is that I already ran these three bases twice since summer has begun.  I lost 17lbs over the past couple months before I fell off the wagon.  Unbelievably, I haven’t gained any of it back yet, but if I continue with step 1 as I have the past couple weeks, I am sure to gain it all back and then some.

So, I enjoyed my “last supper” for the 3rd time since May, and tomorrow will begin the hard-core, hands-on, all-or-nothing diet.

Wish me luck because this time…I really mean it!  I’m really going to do it this time!  I’m fed up with….blah, blah, blah!