I know many of you who have been following my blog for a while realize how difficult my weight struggle has been over the years and especially over the past year since I had my daughter, Natalie.  So at my doctor’s appointment last week, I expressed my weight concerns with him.  I told him that I was still carrying 10 extra pounds around since Natalie’s birth and with the way I gain weight during pregnancy, I’m going to be the size of a house again in no time.  I mean, my metabolism is so shot that if I consume more than 1200 calories a day, I gain weight…and I mean I gain pounds a week.  Needless to say, I’m slightly stressed out about eating enough to fuel my growing baby’s needs, my body’s needs, and the fact that I’m still in the process of weaning Natalie so making milk requires caloric intake as well.  But again, as I stated, whenever I eat anything more than green leaves, I gain weight at record speed.  Ok…so back to the conversation with the doctor….

As I was expressing my concern about my excess weight I really just expected him to say not to worry about it while I’m pregnant.  I assumed he would recommend that I stick to a healthy diet and worry about the extra pounds once you give birth…or something to that effect.  I truly just expected him to ease my concerns and tell it was ok that I was going to turn into Dom Delawise again, but apparently, that was not the case.  He actually told me that a pregnant woman can lose up to 20% of her body weight within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy before it’s any kind of risk to the fetus.  He then proceeds to tell me, in a very politically correct manner, that he is not suggesting that I diet, but if I did lose 5-10lbs, that would be fine with him!

SERIOUSLY??? FINE WITH HIM IF I LOOSE 5-10LBS…..

So does this mean that I now actually have to worry about dieting during pregnancy?  He even  continued on with telling me that all I need to do is cut out carbs from my diet and I’ll lose weight.   He acknowledged that carbs are all I will be craving “like crazy” being pregnant, so it may be difficult to do.  But anytime I crave a carb I should just “reach for a cashew instead” and I’ll lose some weight!  And he wrapped up the visit by telling me not to beat myself up too much about any weight gain I have during these first few months since water retention is the real culprit for that if it does happen.

Again…SERIOUSLY???

I walked out of the office feeling like I was just blindsided by a flippen bus.  So I went home and did what any apparently over-weight, soon to be dieting, pregnant woman would do….I grabbed the nearest loaf of bread I could find and downed about 4 pieces of toast!  I chased that with several servings of FULL FAT chips and walked out of the kitchen trying to mentally prepare myself for jump-starting my new “cashew diet” tomorrow!

Well, that appointment was nearly a week ago and I have yet to buy any cashews.  I’m really just angry with myself for even mentioning my concerns to the doctor because now I really feel like the pressure is on to lose some weight.  Had I just shut my mouth, he certainly wouldn’t have brought it up or offered up such gracious “helpful hints”.

I know that I shouldn’t stress about this but hey…stressing is what I do best.  And I really will never forget the moment when I was 9 months pregnant with Natalie and a mom from school came up to me…actually stopped me in my tracks…to tell me that she was so happy that I’m a “real woman”.  She proceeded to explain that she can’t stand these women that don’t gain weight anywhere but a tiny bump in their belly when their pregnant.  She was thrilled to see that like her, I gained weight ‘EVERYWHERE”!  Yes…she actually had the audacity…or stupidity…to say this 3 inches from my 9-month pregnant face!  She was right…I do gain weight EVERYWHERE and I gain alot of it…and I also envy and dagger stare at the little twits that gain 15lbs and loose it before they leave the hospital….but to actually say it my face…WOW!  I walked around the rest of the day with a bag of cheese puffs in one hand and a tissue in the other from the uncontrollable sobbing!  So as you can imagine…some of my preganncy weight gain fears are at least a little bit substantiated.

So here we are again….extra weight from the last baby….well actually…the last 5 babies

A doctor who wouldn’t “object” to me losing weight while pregnant

And an overly hormonal pregnant woman bouncing between overdosing on salads and CASHEWS!

Good times…good times!!  ;o)

Baby "Peanut"

Do I have some news to share with all of you!  After 3 weeks of agony with needing to keep my mouth shut….I can finally announce that I am PREGANT!!!!

For those of you keeping count…yes, this is baby #6!  We found out 3 weeks ago, but because I have miscarried in the past, we wanted to wait until after the 2-month check-up and ultra-sound before announcing it to the world.

I had my appointment yesterday afternoon and it was wonderful.  The ultra sound came with a picture perfect report.  The heartbeat is a strong 160, there are already leg and arm buds formed, finger and toe buds formed, tiny little blood vessels flowing through his/her entire body, and we even saw the little peanut move!  I could not feel it of course as it’s no bigger than 3/4 of an inch, but we saw it move and that was really cool.

My family has met the news with mixed emotions.  My parents decided to come by one evening to let me know how devastating this news was to them.  I will spare you the details of the event because I refuse to disrespect my parents on the World Wide Web, but I will leave it at this:  It was truly one of the most difficult moments of my life.  I’m sad for how they feel, but they are entitled to their opinions.  MOVING ON…..

The kids took the news wonderfully!  The 3 boys were thrilled.  My little Avery even came up to me, after the other 2 boys did, and gave me a huge hug and said, “Congratulations Mom”!  Talk about melting my heart.  The warm reception made my day and was much needed after the shell shock I felt after breaking the news to my parents.  It was good to know that not everyone feels this is a terrible thing.  Kylie, my daughter, handled the news well too.  She said that the only thing that bothers her is when people act like she’s the pregnant one.  As she explained to me when I was pregnant with Natalie, she got very “annoyed” with everyone…teachers, parents, and every friend she has…..coming up to her on a weekly basis and asking her:  how is the baby?  Are you excited about the baby?  Do you have a name picked out for the baby?  Is it a boy or a girl?  Do you know yet?  Is your mom going to find out?  When is she due again?  And the twenty questions continued throughout the whole pregnancy.  Trying to look at it through the eyes of a 13 year old, I can completely understand why that would be “annoying”.  So other than the dread she feels towards all the questions, she is excited about the pregnancy.

The rest of my family and friends have been very receptive to the news.  I have received so many “well wishes” and “congratulations” that I feel grateful to have such a fabulous support system.

Corey, my husband, is as equally excited as I am.  Not that being exhausted right now and nauseous every hour is a treat to end our summer vacation, but a baby is never anything but a true blessing from our good Lord.  I cannot wait to share this journey with you all!!!

We learned a hard lesson this evening:  NEVER CAR SHOP WITH A 14 MONTH OLD WHO NEEDS TO BE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE OR EATING EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!  Yes, that is the difficult lesson Corey and I learned tonight as we took Natalie with us to test drive a few vehicles.

Now mind you…I’m not new at this whole parenting thing.  It is not my first time around the block.  I’ve been here…at this age and stage…a time or two (or perhaps 4 times) before Miss Natalie.  So I truly was prepared…or so I thought.  Sippy cup, snacks, diaper bag loaded with distractions…I had all the makings for a successful outing.  I changed her diaper before we left and fed her a hefty portion of Mac and Cheese and raspberry yogurt for dinner before heading out on our expedition.

I was leery, but I really did think all would be ok.  Boy, did I under estimate my little girl’s ability to scream so loud that the sale’s guy at the dealership was concerned about the windows of every vehicle on his lot spontaneously combusting from the sheer decibel of her wailing!  She apparently had decided that no amount of bribery…not even mommy’s cell phone (her favorite “toy” in the whole world) was going to rattle her conviction that she DID NOT want to be car shopping tonight!  We tried to test drive a couple of vehicles but by the second stop, she was out of her mind angry and screamed so loud through the rest of the test drive that whatever noises we were supposed to be listening for…the “bad” noises…would have been music to our ears over the shrill of Natalie’s wrath in the back seat.

We high-tailed it back to the dealership, I threw her car seat and her flailing little self back in our car, Corey ran…and I mean literally ran….to let the guy know we would “think about it”, and did what all good parents would do after the hour of hell we had just lived through….we drove straight to the nearest drive thru and bribed our stubborn, tantrum-throwing, angelic monster with FRIES!!!  It worked like a charm too!  The second we hit the drive thru window she instantly stopped screaming.  She looked at me with a huge smile on her face…but did not make a peep for fear if she made a sound, the woman taking the order from daddy might not hear him correctly and she would not get her “nummies”.

We drove away with fries in hand and our little Miss Natalie was as pleasant as could be the rest of the ride home…..fry in one hand and a smirk on her face a mile long that spoke volumes!!

So I guess the bigger lesson learned here tonight:  get the damn fries BEFORE the test drive!  ;o)

How can I have so much going on in my life right now and still be struggling to write a post? I feel like I have writer’s block or something.  I think it’s because all that we are experiencing right now… house issues, car issues, children issues, and family issues are all so personal.  I feel like if I blog about any of it, I’m betraying someone on some level.  I really just want to blurt out all that’s going on and all that I’m feeling and just get it off my chest.  That’s what would bring me some peace and help me sleep at night, but unfortunately, it’s not that simple.  When you are writing a blog that strangers across the country read…hey, no problem…they don’t know my family or me. Sharing personal details is easy when there is no face to go with it, but I also have family and close friends that read my blog.  Divulging “private” information to that sector is a bit more difficult.  I don’t want to offend anyone or step on anybody’s toes…nor do I want to create a panic so every time a friend logs into to see what’s going on in my world, they instantly think I’m a basket case and my world is falling apart. It is truly not that dramatic, but I have come to realize that sometimes when I am writing about my personal life, people take it more seriously than I meant it to come across.

All things considered, I’ve decided the last several weeks…as my life is full of changes…to just keep my mouth shut!  As much as it pains me to go through much of what we are experiencing alone, I know the backlash of putting it out there will be worse than just keeping quiet. So for now, I am going to struggle to make “small talk” about daily activities.  I am going to muster up the self-control to just button my lip and sit on my feelings…at least “publicly” for the sake of all who are involved.

So just an FYI…if my subject matter lacks over these next few weeks…you will try to understand, won’t you?  Try to realize that my personal life is in a bit of disorder right now, and that I am just clinging to the last days of summer or a trip to the zoo to blog about without getting overly personal…something I clearly struggle to do.

And to my wonderful friends and family who read this and will instantly think the worst, please don’t. There is no ensuing divorce….nobody is sick or dying from cancer…it’s all relatively positive changes…just VERY personal.

And when the dust settles around here…when we have some resolve to the major life changes we are going through…I will be back to putting it all out there.  I will be free to speak my mind and clue in my audience.

Until then….how about those Brewers??!!  ;o)

What a productive day!  I had a Home and School meeting bright and early this morning.  By “bright and early” I mean, 8am!  Now 8am during the school year is nothing, but 8am during the summer months is a different story.  When all 5 children were still fast asleep in their cozy beds this morning, it was a tall order for me to get my butt out of bed.  We are in for a really difficult adjustment in a couple of weeks! Anyway, Home and School is our private school’s version of the public school’s Parent/Teacher Association.  I had stepped back in my volunteering last year due to Natalie’s arrival and really felt it was time to get back into the swing of things for this year.  I really missed being actively involved in the school so I signed up to be the secretary for this year’s Home and School board.  We have an amazing team of young women running the show this year, and I just know it’s going to be a banner year for our association.  It’s amazing what surrounding yourself with talented, energetic, intelligent, and motivated individuals can do for your psyche!  I left the meeting with a list of items to tend to and ready to tackle the world!

I also had Avery’s meeting with his principal, his tutor, and his teacher regarding the plan of action for the upcoming school year.  I was incredibly impressed with everyone’s willingness to be Avery’s advocate.  There were a few sticking points throughout the meeting, which is to be expected with something of this magnitude, but nothing kept us from realizing that the true focus here is my son and his academic needs.  It was a comforting feeling to walk away from the meeting knowing that no matter what happens from this point forward; I know we have a solid team of compassionate and competent individuals with a willingness like nothing I have ever seen before, ready to tackle any road blocks that may arise in Avery’s success in school.

The meeting reaffirmed my commitment to becoming a certified Dyslexia tutor so I can reinforce Avery’s needs at home and even more so, help other children in their struggle to learn how to read and write.  I may not be able to tutor Avery, as I believe he will take instruction much better from a third party, but I will be able to help others.  Moreover, I cannot imagine any parent after finding out their child has something of  this significance not wanting to dive in headfirst to gain as much knowledge as possible about the issue.  I cannot feel like a good mother without doing all I can to become an expert on Dyslexia.  So my goals are lofty, but with much hard work…they are very attainable.

After evaluating the day, I feel many emotions surrounding the outlook for our upcoming school year….relief, excitement, and perhaps a touch of stress (me, stressed??  I know…I’m sure you’re shocked by that). Regardless, I am confident that I will accomplish much this year….

Avery will achieve even more…..

And together, we will all move mountains!

Why do we all chase after the untouchables in our lives?  I am sitting here watching SpongeBob with my kids…and one of the characters, Plankton, spends his life chasing after his nemesis, Mr. Krab’s, hamburger formula.  Of course, he is defeated every time but he continues to make it his life’s mission to chase after this unattainable prize.  I realized that I do that with certain things in my life as well.  I know…I know!  You know I’ve had too much coffee when I’m finding meaning in SpongeBob….and I’ve really went over the edge when I’m finding parallelism between a cartoon and my own world…but just go with me on this one.

I realized that there are things in my life that I “chase”…things I have been chasing forever…that I know I will never reach.  I have family members I want to change.  I try to save them from themselves, even though I know they will never be any different than they are today.  And the funny thing is…I watch them chase after me trying to change me into the person they want me to be.  It’s all nuts!  I try to force relationships between family members that will never click and yet I try anyway to forge the gap between them.  I keep insisting that I become the skinny little tot I was when I graduated High School fully knowing that after 5 children, my stomach will never even resemble the flat tummy I once knew.  And I’m embarrassed to admit…I too try to “keep up with the Jone’s”.  I never “covet thy neighbor” in the sense that I wish I had “it” and they did not.  I just see the lifestyles some of my friends lead and wish I could run in the same circles.

Well, I have made the decision to try and change this unfavorable trait.  I am tired of trying to accomplish the impossible. So I have tried to find some resolve with certain “thorns” in my side.   I have concluded that no matter what I do, there are certain people in my life that will never get along with each other.   While I am not giving up on being healthy and fit, I am going to accept that I will NEVER have the body I had 15 years ago. And I’m all done trying to keep up with the next guy.

We are selling our house, and most people do that to “upgrade” to the next level.  They leave behind the starter home in order to move into the larger, upscale home.  This pattern happens until the kids are all grown and homeowners of their own and then downsizing begins.  We chase after these big fancy houses and huge, beautifully landscaped yards while our children are young.  We want the best for them, but the time and energy it takes to maintain that huge yard and clean 4 bathrooms each week is actually a detriment to our children.   And don’t get me wrong.  Our house has been on and off the market for 2 years now.  The plan all along has been to “upsize”.  We even had blue prints drawn up of our dream home and had every intention of building it once this house sold.  But in the recent months, with all the things that have hit us lately…my son’s dyslexia for example…my perspective on everything has changed.  My priorities have shifted and I feel that I’m seeing clearer now than ever before.  I have faith that there are no coincidences in this life.  My house has not sold for a reason.  God needed to give me all the time I needed to figure some things out….and thankfully, I am finally getting it loud and clear.

Translation:  my husband and I have made a decision that may seem backwards to most people.  We are going against the grain and doing what feels right for our lives at this time.  We have committed ourselves to downsizing…rather than upsizing…the home we buy once ours is sold.  I want my home to feel “cozy” and warm.  I want their bedrooms to be small enough that it forces them to come out and join us in the common areas of the home.  And I want to save on my mortgage…I want to spend less on a house payment and more on family vacations and their collage funds.  I want to create the “simple life” I have always dreamed of but been too afraid to go after.  I’ve always been too worried about how crazy all my friends will think I am to be buying a smaller house rather than “moving up in the world”.   I don’t want to explain to people why I’ve decided to get rid of all but one of the TV’s in our house and how I really do believe we can live without cable.  I just want to make the changes in our lives that we deem appropriate without needing to explain myself or justify our choices.

I’m always so concerned with what others think of me…what they think of my crazy family members…what they think of how fat I’ve gotten or what they think of my house, my car…But no more.  I refuse to do it anymore.

Today I turn over a new leaf…a new year’s resolution in August, if you will.   I’m going to create the life that I desire…not the life that matches the neighbor’s version of living the dream.  I’m going to start living our dream!

Avery’s new school tour went great!  It looks like it’s a fabulous school…catering to those that may have some difficulties and even those students that fall under the “gifted and talented” title.  It seems to be a school for those that don’t fit within the cookie cutter, big-box school systems that many schools are accustomed to teaching to.  After the tour I walked away feeling hopeful.  I felt ok…I’m ok with this.  This is where he should go to school and we will just figure out a way to pay for it all, right?  I felt pretty settled on that choice.  I had the school calendar, the school supply list, and was going to turn in the application for admission by the end of this week…..

Then we have another curve ball thrown our way.  I get a phone call from the principal at his current school (We will refer to her as “Mrs. Z” to retain ambiguity).  She mentions that she had received several concerned phone calls over my last blog post because I was adorning the school “unfavorably”.  I scrambling in my mind to think of what I could have possibly said about his school that was “unfavorable”….I didn’t use the school name…I did not name his teachers….so what did I write that was so blastfimous to have people I know, who read my blog, turn around and tattle on me…..and then I realized what perhaps people were taking offence to….the truth!

I mean, I did not sugar coat things.  I was honest and to the point in my dealings with his school to date, and if the truth is unsettling to those that read about it…I guess that’s ok with me.  It was unsettling to me as well, but it doesn’t change it.   Avery’s dyslexia did go undetected by his teachers…FACT.   The school does not have a special needs program….FACT.  The school does not have a stellar reputation for working with families that have children with special needs…..FACT.  In addition, I never said they wouldn’t work with us…I said they didn’t have the resources or the expertise to work with us…..all FACTS.  But now before you go running to grab your phones again to call Mrs. Z and tell her I’m “bashing” the school again…please read on…….

Everything I stated was true….HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I most definitely jumped to some conclusions about his school and made assumptions due to past experience without actually making the phone calls to back up those claims.  So here is where I admit to my hasty decision that his current school is in no way able to work with us.  I should have called instead of relying on hearsay and reputations. For that, I am regretful! Which brings me back to that phone call from Mrs. Z…..

After telling me that she read the post herself and was disappointed to see that I felt his school couldn’t help us, we talked in length about Avery’s situation.  I expressed my concerns about the classroom adaptations he would need, and she expressed an unparalleled willingness to listen and learn.  She wants to know what they can do to help Avery…and what she can learn about Dyslexia and take back to the teachers in an effort to help other children.  She gave me a resounding, “absolutely” when I asked if they were truly willing to meet those classroom accommodations he would need.   She said they want to work with us as a team to make sure he gets the education he deserves and the help he needs.

I was speechless for a moment….feeling sheepish for having made assumptions….you know the old adage….”assuming makes an ass out of u and me”….well, I was feeling like the ass at that point.  She acknowledged that she could not speak to whatever happened in the school before she took over as principle, but now that she was in the hot seat, she seemed steadfast in her desire to change the way things have always been done and to change the reputation that the school has gotten over the years.   All of which was music to my ears and an effort I would like to be a part of as well.

So, we have a meeting planned for next week involving the key players in Avery’s education…us, Mrs. Z, his teacher, and the director of the Dyslexia Reading Connection who will also be his tutor through the years.  I am excited and nervous at the same time.  I still feel overall, we have a huge decision to make regarding which school he attends, but what a blessing to actually have OPTIONS…yes, that is a plural word!!

I am eternally grateful that Mrs. Z  called because no matter what is decided, there are many people right now working together to make sure my son gets the education he so deserves….and he is truly the only thing that matters in this whole mess.

Life never ceases to challenge me.  Just when I get cocky, (ya know…because I have my toilets scrubbed and laundry caught up for 5 minutes)….a curve ball is thrown my way.  I think God does this just to knock me down a peg or two and more importantly, to remind me that I’m really not in control of anything.

We found out this week that our youngest son, Avery, has Dyslexia.  We have been concerned since he entered school, but all of our inquiries have been met by teachers with dismissal.  ”Oh he is fine.  He’s just young for his class and needs time to mature.”  I didn’t buy it!  I think there is much to be said about a mother’s intuition and having 3 other children before Avery who have navigated their way through Kindergarten and First grade, I had a pretty good sense of what his skill set should be at each level.  While I understood that Avery was indeed young for his class (he has a May birthday), I still had a nagging feeling that more was wrong than just a little immaturity.

After all, he wasn’t misbehaving in class or struggling with his social skills.  His math skills were right on point.  But he wasn’t learning how to read no matter how much we worked with him.  And his spelling was even worse than the reading.  It was awful!  I’m not being mean here, I’m just trying to point out  a couple of the umpteen warning signs that were present, but never noticed by a single one of the many teachers that have been in his life over the years.

The only clue we got was when I was talking to a friend of mine, who happens to be a teacher and has a son who is also Dyslexic, about my concerns with Avery.  It wasn’t until her son was in 6th grade and still couldn’t read that he was finally diagnosed properly.  Because of the struggles that this poor woman and her son went through, she recognized many of the “symptoms” I was mentioning to her regarding Avery’s academic struggles.  She gave me a name, phone number, and website to find out more information.  I stumbled away from our conversation feeling dazed, confused, and perhaps a bit hopeful…hopeful that I’m not crazy and hopeful that if we can figure out what’s really going on with my son, then we can deal with it appropriately.  I am a firm believer that nothing is left to chance.  That casual conversation was not merely “luck of the draw”. God speaks to us through many mediums…quite often through other people.  That day…that conversation….God spoke to me loud and clear through the words of a dear friend.

Moving forward, I did my research and set up an appointment to meet with the director of the local Dyslexia Reading Connection.  It was clear from the first 30 minutes on the internet that Dyslexia was indeed what we were dealing with….the meeting was just a formality at this point.  So, we met with the woman this week and found out after going through a lengthy assessment, that Dyslexia is pretty much all it could be.  There is a $700 test we can do to have an “official” piece of paper proclaiming its Dyslexia for sure, but she said with the high cost and ruling out all other options, there is really no point to it.  She mentioned that if the official documentation from the formal test would get us anywhere with his current school system, then it would be worth it.  Unfortunately though, his school is in no way equip to accommodate his needs.  The teachers are not trained properly on how to teach to a Dyslexic child.  After all, they were not even equipped to notice the warning signs, so needless to say, my faith is rattled considerably in their ability!

Which brings us to the next hurdle….where do we go from here?

Our options:

We can keep him in the school he currently attends.  I can then run him to tutoring 3 days a week, year round, for a minimum of 3 years after school where he would then have to come home and try to get homework done on top of the 9-hour day he has already put in.  And the cost for the tutoring is astronomical!  Insurance won’t cover it because they claim it’s a learning disability and the responsibility falls on the school system.  The public school system claims it’s a medical condition so they disown any responsibility to help either.  It’s madness, and the only ones suffering are the kids falling through the cracks and the parents struggling to pay for the help their children so desperately need.

Our other option is to pull him from his current school and enroll him in a local non-denominational Christian school that caters to working with Dyslexic children.  Its a “normal” school, meaning that many children without any learning disabilities attend, but all of their teachers are trained in Dyslexia and are prepared and willing to meet the proper classroom accommodations Avery will need as he goes through elementary school and even into Middle school.  It is only 15 minutes from our home and they even offer the tutoring he needs built right into his daily schedule.  This means that my little 7-year-old will only need to put in a normal day’s worth of schoolwork without the extra time after school for additional tutoring.  This option seems like a no-brainer; however, the cost for tuition alone at this new school is double what we are paying where he currently attends.  And on top of the tuition, we still need to pay the tutoring cost, but they do offer that at a substantial discount from the normal fees, if he attends their school.

Either option lands our world in a tailspin. I will most definitely need to get a part time job on top of the full time, stay-at-home job I already manage. We have many decisions to make regarding his care and very little time to pull the trigger on either option.

So, overall…I feel lost!  I feel scared and sad for my son because all parents want the very best life for their children with the least amount of struggles.  While I realize fully that this is not a death sentence for Avery…it is a life sentence.

He will deal with this issue forever and that breaks my heart.  School will never come easy for him.  He will always need to work twice as hard as the kid sitting next to him in class does.  It pains me to know how hard he will need to work at such a tender, young age when all he should be worrying about is playing with his race cars and running around with the neighborhood kids.

And I will do my best to see to it that his world remains as it should…full of carefree wonderment.  But deep down I know that there is only so much my love can do for him…there is only so much I can protect him from.  This is apparently his cross to bear….as it is now mine too, and I will be by his side to help ease his load whenever possible.  And when I cannot, I will fall to my knees and pray that God will step in where I must let go.

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PS  I will be posting links to as much reputable Dyslexia information I come across so if you have concerns or want to educate yourself with the warning signs, the resources will be available to you.