Ahhh yes, my moving saga continues! I was moving along in my day, just going about my business, scurrying about like a busy little mouse trying to get my last minute moving preparations taken care of.  Yes, we are moving on Friday so there is much to be done.  Well, that is until the snake in the grass who we affectionately call “the mortgage guy” called my husband to let him know that “there is no way he can get the closing done on Friday as we had originally hoped for.”

Excuse me?

Could you repeat that?

“Hoped for“…what in the heck is this guy talking about…hoped for?  As if Friday was some arbitrary date we just magically threw out there and thought to ourselves, “hey, wouldn’t that be cool if we could close on our new house on Friday, October 2nd and then move all weekend?  And if it doesn’t work out, well….that’s ok too because we were just whipping out a date that didn’t mean anything anyway!”

NO, NO, NO!

That is not what we said at all, but our “mortgage guy” seemed to act as if that were the case.  He casually tells Corey that it’s the “under writers” fault and the wire transfer will not be available until “sometime next week!”  That’s right…you read that correctly.  He didn’t call my husband up and profusely apologize for this MASSIVE mess up and PROMISE to get it taken care of by Monday….even if that means he must work 24 hours a day, around the clock, through his entire weekend to get that done.

NO, NO, NO!

He just simply stated in a glib, nonchalant manner that it would just have to wait until next week and then he wouldn’t even give Corey an exact day next week.   Now, please keep in mind that moving a family of 7.5 is not as easy as one might think it is.  We have a moving truck rented for Friday and Saturday.  We have two guys scheduled to help Corey move the heavy stuff on Saturday as my pregnant, swollen tummy seems to be a hindrance with huffing the reclining sofa up the stairs on my back these days.  Anyway, our helpers only do this on the side for cash so “sometime next week” isn’t going to work for them!

Corey’s parents were also going to come and help us move and mainly watch miss Natalie for us because as much help as she thinks she is…her tiny little 15 month frame just kind of gets in the way on big days like moving day (shhhh, don’t tell her I said that because she would be so hurt).    They work during the week as well so unfortunately for us, “sometime next week” won’t work for them either.  We also have some wonderful friends who offered to help us this weekend but they too work during the week.

We have all of the utilities, phone, internet and cable all scheduled to be switched over or hooked up throughout the weekend and on Monday.  One might think that it would be no big deal to just call and reschedule these hook ups; however, they are booked out 2 weeks in advance so changing the appointments right now means we are without many of the luxuries we have grown accustomed to….such as telephone service….for at least 2 weeks!  I know, I know…how spoiled can I possibly be?!

I also finagled a visitation switch with my ex so that he would have the other 4 children this weekend.  That way we could get the move done with as few distractions as possible.  This is really the least of the issues, but it’s still the point that we moved the schedule all around to make sure that we wouldn’t have to stop everything to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and get them to their games and practices all smack dab in the middle of moving day, which has now gone clear out the window.

So what are we going to do?  That’s a great question.  I have no idea.   I guess we will cancel everything.   Corey and I will need to get the house moved on our own.  I will need to push little peanut aside for a day or two and just try to keep my belly out of the way so I can help Corey move the furniture.   We will have to start and stop as needed to tend to the children’s needs.  And we will just live without the finer things in life like cable and internet for a few weeks.

I’m really just in shock right now.  I’m shocked that our “mortgage guy” can just do this to us when he’s known for weeks that Friday, October 2nd was the day we needed this to happen.  I am speechless that one phone call can throw even the most well-worked, well-thought out, well-orchestrated plans right out the window.  I know it will all get done.  It has to.  It will just get done in a less organized, much more difficult fashion than we previously had planned.

Oh, and let me declare this right here and now….once this is all done and over with, we are enjoying our new home, and this fiasco is a distant memory….I am NEVER moving again!  EVER!

And if I start to claim differently….if I start to even entertain the idea…please, I implore you to be good friends to me and remind of this post!

Do you ever feel you are walking down the street naked?  I mean, completely butt-ass naked.  I think that is the best way I can articulate how it feels to be a blogger.

I received an email from a close family member today that was less than thrilled with  a few of my blog posts.   This person had not taken the time to read it prior to now, and decided to sit down and read through virtually every post I have written since I started this last April.  I have made mention of things in my life that indirectly relate to this person as well as directly mentioned this person.  I thought that everything I had written was fair, honest, and even a bit minimized in an effort to not offend or disrespect anyone, not this person or any other member of my family.  But apparently, I did not do such a hot job because the light I painted this person in was not favorable in his/her eyes.  Even things I wrote with no intention or inkling of this person was construed wrong and taken out of context.  I read the email and cried because I never intended to make this person look bad in any way, but that is how my words were interpreted and there is nothing I can do about it now.

There was also the snafu with Avery’s school (read the follow up here).  If you remember, I had written some things about his school that some people did not agree with, and it ended up in a call from the Principal to address the issue.  All turned out for the best because it opened the door to a conversation that needed to happen regardless of how it was initiated.  However, there is still one teacher in particular that will barley look at me anymore, much less chit-chat with me since that post, and I can only assume…and I am admitting this is a pure assumption on my part…that this silence treatment is due to that one post.

Perhaps you remember the post that compelled a dear friend to start praying for my family (read the follow up here).  I was shocked by her email as I was merely venting in my writing for that day, but it was construed by her and many others much differently than I had intended it to come across.

These are just a few examples of why I feel completely naked walking down the streets of my town, enter my children’s school, or sitting down at a family function.  I know that many people I come into contact with know my entire life story.  They know the in’s and out’s of my marriage and divorce, they know personal details regarding my children and their struggles, and there is truly nothing left in my life that is private or privileged information.

Some days I’m ok with that.  Yesterday I was thrilled with all the positive feedback and happy to be a blogger. After all, the point of starting the blog was to reach out to other women who may be struggling or experiencing the same kinds of issues, but who are too afraid to speak up about it.  My intention was to put myself out there in an effort to draw out others….to let women know that they are not the only ones with skeletons in their closets, weight management issues, or struggles within their marriage.  When I started writing, it was as therapeutical for me as I was hoping it would be for others.

But lately, as my numbers have grown and more women that I know approach me…or I receive emails like the one I got today from a family member or perhaps a concerned friend….I feel more and more vulnerable.  I feel less willing to be completely honest and really put it all out there.  I can’t seem to cope with the backlash of it all.  The positive feedback is wonderful and keeps me inspired, but there are many days (like today) when I just don’t want to be so “exposed”.  I don’t want everyone and their mother knowing about my personal life.  I don’t want to offend family members or worry friends over things that are of little relevance in the big picture.  I don’t want my child labeled or looked at differently simply because I chose to write about his struggles.  I don’t want women looking at me with pity in their eyes over my poor, pathetic life.

I know that it is all a choice.  I’m not claiming to be a victim here.  I choose to put myself out there.  I chose to give out the site to friends and family and encouraged them to read.  I understand that I have full disclosure rights.  I can keep things private.  I can pick and choose what I want to share.  Believe it or not, I actually do.  There are many topics that I sugar coat or breeze over or don’t even write about at all anymore because the back lash was too much.  But if I really start censoring myself to the point where I don’t feel naked and exposed anymore, then my writing is lacking what I think most people plug in for…the feeling.  The honest, truthful, and heartfelt vulnerability that is common in my posts.  If I stop putting it all out there, and I start writing about the weather, then there really is no point in continuing to write.

I mean, I don’t earn a penny from this.  I have no motivation other than to sincerely tell my story and hope that others can relate….that my words move someone, somewhere.  I hope that people will stop judging me…stop looking at me when we meet in the hall or on the street with pity in their eyes and start to see this for what it was intended…an outreach of sorts.  I want people to see my writing as a refreshing change from the polite, but ever so artificial attitude that most women give off because they feel they have no other choice.   I truly do not set out to offend or disrespect anyone and when my writing comes across the wrong way, those are the types of fall-0uts that cannot be taken back.  I don’t write about my struggles because I want my readers to feel sorry for me and to throw myself a pity party simply because I do struggle.  I write because I want other women to know that they are not alone, and it’s really ok to admit they struggle too.   I really want to know that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one who doesn’t have it all together.

I want people who read this to appreciate my thoughts, not because it reads as a juicy novel at times and is a pleasant distraction from their own lives, but rather motivates them to look at themselves and their own lives…to be honest with who they are, what they are struggling with, and most of all, compels them to stop being fake with the world, and start being real.  I want my words to inspire women to get real with their families, to be more honest with friends, to be more vulnerable with each other and with themselves.  I want women to admit that their lives are far from perfect, that they don’t have all the answers and they don’t have it all together like our society tells us we should.  I want women to start being more vulnerable themselves, as opposed to merely appreciating my vulnerability, so we can all stop talking about the weather and start talking about real life…the stuff that everyone needs to talk about but is too afraid to open up about.

And if my writing cannot accomplish that….if I cannot begin to break down the barriers that exist between women and this artificial need to appear perfect all the time, then I will need to rethink this blog all together.  Perhaps if all I am doing is eliciting anger from some, offending others, and drawing pity from the majority, then I have failed in my intentions and need to find a different venue in accomplishing my goals.

I guess I will keep you all “posted“!  ;o)

Why can’t every day bring on this kind of joy in my heart, inspiration to my mind, and peace in my soul?  I guess if every day was as moving as today has been for me, than I wouldn’t be able to truly appreciate it the way I am right now.  Nothing “major” happened today to elicit such feelings, but it’s just been one of those precious days when you wake up and you are truly thankful to be alive.  I know I should wake up every day and feel that way, but I’m sorry…I’m not Mary Poppins and I’m merely mortal.  I wake up many days sleep deprived and dreading the never-ending to-do list on my counter.

Today really started no differently than any other day.  I woke up with this insatiable toothache (root canal scheduled for tomorrow..whoo-hoo), I didn’t get much sleep due to said toothache, and I have a to-do list a mile long.  However, it’s been one of those days where something minor…something seemingly insignificant…..shifts my entire perspective on my day, my life, and my whole demeanor.

So what was this “minor” shift that pushed me past my normal “daily grind” attitude into blissful delight?  Well, it was the comments I received from yesterday’s post.  I think people quite often underestimate the power of a kind word or a gentle smile.  I woke up and read the wonderful things people wrote to me, and it literally brought tears to my eyes and made my entire sleep deprived face light up.   There was even an email sent to me from an “unofficial” member of my family letting me know that some of my posts lately have helped her cope with the very difficult time she is going through in her personal life right now.   I don’t mention this to toot my own horn, I’m writing it to try and get my point across….that we ALL can make a difference in people’s lives by the smallest, random acts of kindness.

I’m sure that many of you who sent me a positive comment or have commented on other posts in the past didn’t think you were doing anything special or that it was going to affect me the way that it did.  Just as I never know when I write a post if my words can or will effect anyone who reads them.  I am quite often as clueless to my impact on people just as all of us are.  For example, I know that my very favorite blogger, ethelmaepotter, doesn’t realize how deeply she touches my soul when I read her posts….how her words linger with me all day long.  Just as I’m sure that the friend who stopped me at school today to ask me how Avery’s tutoring was going didn’t realize the impact her sincere inquiry for my son had on me.

You see, it doesn’t have to be big and grand to make a large impact in people’s lives.  I believe that sincerity, love, empathy, and pure kindness in our gestures will carry people through even their darkest hours. While I may not have the ability or capacity in my life to crusade for world peace or raise millions of dollars to fight hunger, I do have the knowledge that a sincere “how are you doing” to a friend in need or a simple “I love you” to my child who perhaps had a rough day at school can truly change the pendulum in people’s lives.

So I want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you for reading my blog.  I thank you for your positive feedback, which inspires me to keep writing.  I appreciate the kind words and prayers from friends on behalf of my family….sometimes for no apparent reason other than people just want to be nice and pray for us!  I am grateful for the people who play significant roles in my life and perhaps don’t even realize it…teachers, friends, family, and even the stranger reading this right now or the gas station attendant who shoots me a genuine smile.   You all make a difference in my life and for that I am eternally grateful!

And no matter how corny or cliché this may sound, please don’t ever forget that we all have the capacity within ourselves to change the world….one smile, kind word, or meaningful gesture at a time.

My husband, Corey, has this friend….a friend who is really more of acquaintance, or an email buddy.  Corey has known him for years but their main interaction was simply forwarding emails to each other.  The gentleman lives just 2 blocks away from us so when we take family walks, we always stop by if he’s outside and chit-chat for a bit.  Corey and I even went to dinner one evening with he and his girlfriend, but that was really the extent of the relationship.

This neighbor of ours… friend, acquaintance, email pal…whatever you’d like to title him…passed away suddenly just a few weeks ago.  He had a massive heart attack on a Saturday morning and that was it.  Corey received an email from his live-in girlfriend stating very plainly that Dan had passed away unexpectedly that very morning.  She didn’t know most of his friends so all she could do to let people know what had happened was to send out a mass email to all his contacts.  As you can imagine it was quite shocking to find out through an email, but more disturbing has been the aftermath of the terrible news.

Corey’s in box has gone from several forwarded emails a day from this gentleman to radio silence.  He quite figuratively fell off the face of the earth in a blink of an eye.  I drive by his street several times a day and see the “For Sale” sign in his front yard, and it still blows my mind that one minute he was here, enjoying his roaring 60’s, sending out jokes to tons of email buddies, and then poof….he was gone!  I feel terrible for his family’s loss, as losing anyone unexpectedly is traumatic.  But what really keeps me awake at night has been the idea of….What did Dan leave unfinished the day before his death?  What tasks at work did he save for “tomorrow”?  What relationships did he leave unattended with the thought that he could always make that phone call “tomorrow”?  What loose ends around his home did he make the choice to do “tomorrow”?

Now I know for Dan, none of the earthly life he left behind matters to him anymore.  If he was a believer, as I will assume he was, he passed from this life into glorious eternity in Heaven.  Life here on earth instantly became of zero relevance.  But what about the things, jobs, chores, and most importantly the people he left behind?  To those individuals, what he left “unfinished” may haunt them for the rest of their lives.

This is where my thoughts are tonight.  Morbid as it may seem, I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if I just didn’t wake up tomorrow morning.  What unfinished business did I leave behind?  I know for me…on my way up to those pearly gates…it will not matter the second I take my last breath here on Earth and open my eyes to breath in Eternity with the Good Lord in Heaven.  But what I leave behind…what I leave unfinished will matter to those left to carry on in my place.  My loved ones, my friends….they will know what I didn’t finish.  They will know what I failed to get done in my time here on Earth.

And with these thoughts I am left with an overwhelming desire to just have more time…I want more time to do so many things.  There is so much to do and to see.  There is so much I want to accomplish yet with my life.  I feel as though I have barely scratched the surface of what’s out there for me to do.    So with all the prayers I send up God’s way…I think most of what I truly desire is more time.

More time with my children to watch them grow up.  More time to see them walk down the aisle and graduate from college.  I want more time to snuggle up with them on Sunday mornings watching cartoons….and more time to make Christmas cut out cookies and decorate the tree each year.  I want time for more family vacations to Disney World and more summers at the local pool.  I want more time to gingerly walk them through their first heartbreaks and the birth of their first child.  I want to be around long enough to see that what I did as a mother paid off ten-fold in the form of well rounded, thoughtful, caring, empathetic, spiritually mature, adults who know how to love more than just themselves….who know that life is so much bigger than their own little world and it all matters…it all matters.

I want more time with my husband.  I want to stand by his side as we watch our children grow up.  I want more time to see his hair turn grey and precious wrinkles form on his forehead.   I want more time to crawl into bed with him each night and fall asleep on his chest.  I want more time to dance in the dark with him holding me close once the kids are fast asleep.  I want to travel around the country with him in an RV after retirement just like we always talk about doing.  I want to live long enough to see our golden anniversary, and I want more time to live out our dreams together…just me and him against the world.

I want more time to enjoy my family.  More time with my parents to see to it that their senior years are all they deserve.  I need to show them that I can be all they dreamed of and more.  I want more time to spoil my niece and watch my brothers’ develop into amazing young men.  I want to see them get married, settle down, and have lots of cousins for my kids to play with someday.

I want more time with dear friends and their families.  I want to enjoy cookouts and birthday parties, family reunions with 5 kinds of potato salad and my utterly insane extended family, and the annual round robin we try to accomplish every Christmas day.

I want more time to develop personally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I know God has a greater purpose for my life than the meager things I have done thus far so I want more time to live out His Will.  I want more time to make Him proud of who I am and what I have done with my life.  I want to make a difference in this world.  I want to leave my mark on the people I meet….a mark on their hearts.

I want to be around to see my face develop wrinkles in the form of laugh lines…lines that tell the world….I’ve led a long, happy, joyous life!

So now, I have to ask…..What did you leave “unfinished” today?

Apparently all I needed to do was call myself out on the Internet about struggling with motivation, and boom…I’m on a roll!  It was within minutes of my last post when my attitude shifted into high gear. I got so angry with myself after reading it through that I hopped up, got to work, and haven’t stopped since.  Nearly my entire house is packed up and ready to move, and I’m feeling more confident about the entire process.  We are closing on our new house in FOURTEEN days and I think I may actually be ready for it when the day arrives!!

Anyway, that’s not even what I wanted to write about tonight, but I felt I needed to give an update quickly on my “lazy syndrome”.  I really wanted to talk about good, old-fashioned pregnancy cravings!

My cousin is also expecting at the end of October and I went to lunch with her the other day.  We were swapping pregnancy woes and she was telling me that all she really craves is watermelon, and her husband is craving Mexican (hee-hee).  I have another pregnant friend whom I went to dinner with the other night and she was saying they have been eating allot of pizza at her house lately.

For me, it’s the oddest thing.  When I’m pregnant, I only crave healthy foods.  I know….crazy, isn’t it!  But seriously, when I’m not pregnant, if there is a piece of chocolate within 50 feet of me, it will audibly call my name…taunt me from the cupboard…until I cave and savor every last bite.  However, just last week there was a Kit-Kat sitting on my nightstand….just inches from me every night…and that candy bar sat there for nearly a week before I decided to enjoy it out of pure boredom.  Really, I think I ate it because I was getting concerned that it was sitting around for so long and I didn’t want it.  I felt like something was truly, fundamentally wrong with me because I hadn’t eaten it yet.  I didn’t even hear it whisper my name.  But the tomatoes…the tomatoes in my fridge are calling for me loud and clear.  I cannot keep myself away from fresh veggies.

I’m actually rather predictable.  Every pregnancy has gone the same for me, at least regarding my cravings.  In the beginning, I cannot consume enough bananas.  Many days when the nausea is taking over, bananas are all that get me through.  Bananas, banana bread, banana chips…I’m not picky…just very specific. It must be yellow and contain bananas and then I’m satisfied.

As I’ve mentioned, tomatoes are a big hit throughout the 9 months, and I always go through a grapefruit kick for roughly two months…namely months 5 & 6.  If I do crave something less than healthy, it’s for a salty treat.  Sweets just don’t cut it for the most part.  I mean, let’s not get irrational here. Of course I enjoy dessert now and again. Perhaps a DQ treat in my 8th month when I’m already the size of a house and I just say, “Screw it, what’s another few pounds….I’ll take a Blizzard with extra peanut butter cups, please!”

Oh, and I would be remiss to not mention my typical ice craving. Yes, you read that right. ICE. I crave ice when I’m pregnant. It’s usually not until the 3^rd trimester, but it never fails. I always thought I was crazy for this oddity, until one day I was talking with another girlfriend who craved ice as well during her pregnancies. Later on, I came across some research that stated craving ice during pregnancy is a sign of an iron deficiency. Sure enough, I was anemic with each pregnancy. So, I’ll let you know when I start beating my ice cubes to form nice, little, crunchy ice chips.

I know “they” say that our bodies crave what we need, but I have never been a big believer in that theory. I’m not buying that my body “needs” a second Milky Way bar for the day…and sans a little peanut in my belly…those are the things I crave.

So, I guess whatever it is driving me for the closest salad bar, I’ll welcome it with open arms.  I just wish I could bottle it and have those kinds of clearly insane urges when I’m not Pregnant!

I am really having a difficult time getting motivated these days to get anything done around my house.  Natalie has been awesome at taking a 2 hour nap lately so I know that I should be utilizing this time to get stuff done around the house.  I have a ton of cleaning to do, lots to pack, bookwork, my blog to tend to….you name it!  But all I’d rather do is lye on the couch while she’s napping and do nothing!  It’s like I have lead weights tied to my ankles and no matter how much I keep telling myself to get moving, I just can’t seem to stand up and keep going.  And typically, this is not like me.  I’m usually moving mock ten, but lately I really can’t seem to light a fire under my butt.

The worst part is I can see it in my husband’s face every time he comes home from work and realizes that I didn’t accomplish crap again today!  He doesn’t say much, just offers “suggestions” as to what I could tackle for the day, as if I didn’t already know what needs to be done.  And then when I don’t get the list crossed off for the day, I feel even more anxious because I know he’s thinking it, even if he’s not saying it…”Well, what in the heck did you do all day?”

I’d like to think that it’s not the pregnancy.  I’m sure I’m just being lazy or struggling with a bit of the blues because of the move, but either way, I need to find a way to get myself motivated again to get things taken care of around here.  So how do I do that?  How do I resist that comfortable sofa calling my name every afternoon while Natalie sleeps peacefully in her bed?  How do I force myself to pack up a house that I’m torn about leaving, do laundry that will just pile back up again within days, balance a checkbook and pay bills when there never seems to be enough money to go around? How do I fight the blues and the exhaustion and just keep moving forward???

I guess those are my magic questions for the day and if you have the answers, please feel free to share them with me.  I need to find a way to get something done without the use of my old standby, caffeine.  I need to find a way to fall asleep before midnight so waking up at 6am isn’t quite so difficult.  And when my will power fails, I really need to learn how to press on regardless.  I suppose if I figure out the secret to that…I won’t struggle ever again with dieting, cleaning, laundry, and the list goes on forever.

But….until I come up with the solution to my sudden “lazy syndrome”…..I think I’m gonna go take a nap! ;o)

Well, I certainly feel better now.  After another busy day of packing, I took a hot bath followed by a cool shower.  I tend to do a ton of thinking and praying while relaxing in the bath or showering and tonight was no different.  Afterwards, I came out and sat in my favorite chair, opened up my laptop and just started….crying!  I’m sure you didn’t see that one coming…that’s ok, neither did I!  Corey is chatting on and on to me…really he’s talking to himself but acting like he’s carrying on a conversation with me…when all of a sudden he stops mid sentence, sees that I’m crying and asks, “What’s wrong?  Why are you crying?”  I can tell that he really doesn’t want the answer to his question because immediately following his inquiry he went back to reading something online, which is his nonverbal way of letting me know that ok, I asked what’s wrong, but if it has to do with me or something I did wrong, than I really don’t feel like getting yelled at tonight!  And he need not worry….these tears have nothing to do with him.  After everything I mulled over in the bath tonight regarding my life right now, I got so overwhelmed in the tub that I must have just needed to “let it out”.  And now that I have….I do feel much better, at least I feel calmer…not so overwhelmed.  But that is not what this post is supposed to be about….

I realized that aside from my proclamation post when I announced the pregnancy, I haven’t blogged about it since then.  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  I’ve just been so consumed with all the other aspects of my life right now that the pregnancy seems to be taking a back seat, and I’m starting to feel bad about that.  I will be 11 weeks on Saturday…11 weeks already!  I’m sure to many of you, this doesn’t seem very far along at all…but it means that I am nearly done with the first trimester already and then there are only 6 months to go!  Only 6 months before I have another little bundle of joy to love, snuggle, and care for.  And believe me, 6 months may seem like a life time away, but I know that the next 6 months are going to fly right past me without so much as chance to catch my breath.  Before I can blink, I’m going to be in labor freaking out because I’m still getting used to the idea of being pregnant so it can’t possibly be time to push already!  Please…somebody give me another 6 months to prepare!!

It’s not like I don’t think about being pregnant and the baby every day, but aside from the physical changes my body is going through that are hard to ignore, I really don’t “feel” pregnant at all.  I mean, I’m sure the tears I just shed could be chalked up to pregnancy hormones..but then again, it could just be from an overwhelming amount of anxiety in my life right now and pregnant or not…tears needed to stream tonight!

Emotionally justified or not, the physical changes are hard to get passed.  I am exhausted…I mean, drop dead, cannot think clearly, delusionally confused kind of exhausted.  Although I certainly don’t help my situation by going to be at 11pm or later every night, getting up at least once in the middle of the night with Natalie (YES…she is STILL waking up in the middle of the night) and needing to wake up at 6am every morning to get the kids ready for school.   I’m sure I should be retiring to my nice, warm bed every evening at 9pm, but the reality is I’m still picking kids up from practice and helping them with homework at that hour so early to bed for a mom with 5 active children is not an option…even if she is pregnant and so tired she cannot see straight.

The morning sickness hasn’t been bad.  I always tend to get it during the evening hours and it holds true for this baby as well.  I have had my moments where the sight of the kids eating a hot dog sends my gag reflexes into overdrive, but all in all, I really cannot complain.

And I have to admit that my belly is starting to bulge already.  I’ve always shown early so this should be no surprise to me.  In past pregnancies, by 2 months I was in maternity pants already so for me to nearly make it to 3 months before the bulge showed up is pretty good.  But it’s now to the point where even my “fat” jeans make me want to lean back and unbutton them within 5 minutes of putting them on so it’s probably time for me to break out my “big girl panties” (this is what I lovingly refer to as my maternity clothes).  I hate making that move though because it’s not like I’m showing enough for those clothes to fit properly either.  I put on a pair today, they nearly fell off of me, and the magic waste band came up so high that it could have doubled as a bra.  So, I guess I’m just at that in between stage where my regular clothes look too tight on me and people are  looking at me and thinking, wow…Sara really put on a few pounds right in the gut area over the summer…and the big girl panties that are way too big today, but will all too soon fit just right.  Yep…that’s the stage I’m at!

So as I’ve mentioned, aside from these for mentioned physical ailments, I’ve really not taken the time to emotionally or mentally embrace this fantastic journey we are on….FOR THE VERY LAST TIME!!  I want to try and push all the concerns and craziness in my life to one side for just a moment and acknowledge, for myself more than anything, that indeed, I am pregnant and the thought of that thrills me beyond compare!  So even though many of you may get sick of reading about it, I am going to make a concerted effort to chronicle this journey through this blog.  I want to share details of how I’m feeling, what it’s like to share this experience with Corey for the second time, how the kids are adjusting to the idea, and much, much more.

Regret is a terrible thing….and something I grapple with on a regular basis, so I refuse to have any regrets over this pregnancy.  I don’t want to look back at this time and wonder why I dedicated a mere handful of posts to such a magnificent and transforming event in our lives.   I don’t want to start this baby’s life already wondering, “where did the time go?”

So I invite you all to join me on this marvelous adventure and share with me the trials and tribulations of a soon-to-be mother of 6!

In our “uprising for downsizing” (which you can read more about here), my husband, Corey, and I have been on a mission to find a smaller, more affordable home.  The catch is that we are very spoiled!   We have lived in a brand new, custom built home that offers 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and roughly 3400 sp feet for the past 6 and half years.  I love my house and all the space it offers.  I just don’t care for the lifestyle it has created over the years…children going off into their own corners of the house never to be seen or heard from again…or at least until called for dinner.  Corey and I decided that bigger is not always better and have made it our goal to find a home more conducive to the “simplified” lifestyle we want to lead.  Again, the largest snag in this process is that while I have committed to the quest in my head, my heart has been slow to follow.  Every house we have looked at just felt wrong.  It may have been esthetically pleasing or met all of our criteria, but I was truly struggling to let go of our current home which was blinding the potential of every place we entered.  UNTIL TODAY….

Corey found a “for sale by owner” that he was really excited to go check out.  I saw it online and was mildly interested.  To be honest, I didn’t really care anymore.  After going through dozens of houses and finding nothing that could break the heartstrings that still tugged at me for our current home, I struggled to get excited about going through yet another home which was sure to be a disappointment.  However, Corey insisted and I obliged.  We walked through the home yesterday afternoon and by the time we walked down the steps to the finished lower level, I was hooked.  I looked at Corey and whispered, “This is it!  This is the place.  We have to buy it NOW!”  He smiled at me and I could tell he was “feeling” it too.  So we walked through the place a couple of times, talked with the homeowner, and standing in the driveway just 30 minutes after entering the home, we made an offer to buy it.  We both just knew that this was the place that we could actually call “home”.   It is a 2200 sq foot, 4 bedroom, 2 bath house that will soon be our “home”!  And the truly amazing part is that this property was just put on the market Friday afternoon.  By Friday evening, they had already shown it and had received a verbal offer on it.  Thankfully for us, they did not accept that offer immediately. We walked through it the next day and made an offer as well.  Now anyone who cannot see God’s hand in this work must be blind!

We got the phone call today that they have accepted our offer and we are closing on September 30th.  For those of you now trying to do the math…allow me….that is a mere TWENTY-FOUR days away!  Needless to say, we are excited, stressed, scared, stressed, thrilled, stressed.  I’m fairly certain at this point, everyone really should just stop calling me Mom or Sara and just start calling me Stressed Out or SO for short.  Am I justified in being stressed…let’s see:

I am 10 weeks pregnant with baby number 6

We are choosing to DOWN SIZE with baby number 6 on the way

I have to pack up the previously mentioned 34oo sp foot, 4 bedroom, 4 bath home in TWENTTY-FOUR days

We have to take 1 of the 3 weekends we have available to get the house packed up and travel to Minnesota (A story that involves my son which I will share in my next post)

The story that involves my son is enough to stress out any well-intentioned mother

I have 5 children whose lives, schooling, homework, and extracurricular events simply refuse to stop on my account

Oh…and did I mention I was pregnant????

So again, am I justified for being stressed out?  Honestly….probably not.  I have a friend who works full time outside the home, has 2 children of her own, just remodeled a home and moved, and her mother is battling cancer.  When I put things into perspective, I have just listed nothing but blessings…nothing to truly be stressed out about (except for maybe the part about my son which again, I will get to next time).

All in all, this move is a blessing for our family.  We are doing what’s right in our hearts even if the rest of the world may not understand.  We have found the perfect home which is allowing me peace of mind as I pack up and leave my current home.   Everything will work out fine and in due time.  I have more faith right now than I probably ever had.  I know I have wonderful family and friends to help us out if we need it, and I have God by my side, holding me up when I cannot seem to stand by myself any longer.

Stressed out….perhaps.  Blessed beyond measure…absolutely!

People always say, “out of the mouths of babes” but today I think I need to tweak that adage and say, “out of the mouth of my brazen husband“!  There is much to be done around this house but I have decided to eat up Natalie’s nap time…yes, that precious hour during the day when all is quiet and I can actually get something done around here….to write a new post.  There’s laundry and dishes to be done….more cleaning than I can shake a fist at, but since my husband decided to let me know what he really thinks of my last blog post, I felt that writing this needed to move to the top of the priority list.  So what did he say????  Well, funny you should ask.  I’d be happy to share that with you.  The conversation went something like this:

Corey:  Your last post was LAME; you better write a new one and post it as soon as possible!

Me:  (Mouth dropping to the floor)….WHAT???  What do you mean it is “lame”?

Corey:  Well, I read your stuff for the emotional element.  Your writings usually make me laugh or cry.  The post about the cashews and your weight…that didn’t’ make me laugh or cry.  It was stupid!

Me:  (Mouth still hanging open)….I understand that perhaps as a man you cannot appreciate weight struggles or being pregnant or a doctor looking you in the face and telling you to just eat more cashews and you’ll lose weight, but I know that there is a substantial part of my women readers that will be able to appreciate that story.  And I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I do write to appeal to an audience greater than yourself!

Corey:  I guess…but it was still a lame post and you need to write something new!

Ok…that is when I just closed my mouth, rolled my eyes, and decided that no amount of talking was going to make him understand.  Regardless, he made me so self conscious that as I stated, I am going to use up Natalie’s nap time to write something “more emotional”.  Which brings me to the first day of school….

My children started school again yesterday.  It was a beautiful day as it always seems to be on the first day of school.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  The temperature was neither too hot, nor too chilly.  The sun was shining brightly which made for a great “first day of school” picture.  The kids all promptly hopped right out of bed and were ready to go in no time.

They actually rode the bus TO school for the very first time yesterday.  Normally I drive them to school and they take the bus home, but this year we decided to ride the bus both ways.  So I took my traditional morning pictures, and then Natalie and I walked them down to the corner and waited for the bus to arrive.  Their stop is just 2 blocks down so we stayed at the corner of our block and waved to them while they waited on the corner of the next block.   If I wasn’t sad enough to see them off to school, watching Natalie was sure to put me over the edge.  She kept taking my hand and trying to pull me across the street to chase after them.  She kept waving her tiny little arm as fast as she could and was yelling, “Bye, love you” over and over again.  She was so confused as to why they were leaving without her, and she was so sad to see them go.  I have to admit…I felt the exact same way.

I mean, why do I need to say goodbye to my children every school year?  Why does it hurt so badly every year when I hand them over to some stranger who now gets to spend more time each day with my children than I do?  Something about that has always felt wrong to me, and I’m sure it always will.  After all, they are MY children.  I want to spend my days with them watching them learn, socialize, and grow in their faith.   While I may never understand why it hurts so much or is so difficult for me to let go, I have come to at least two realizations thus far regarding the school year:

1.  I now completely and utterly understand mothers who choose to home school their kids.  AND….

2.  I have such a deep admiration and respect for those “strangers” I hand my children over to each year.  Teachers take it upon themselves to be my eyes and ears during the day when I cannot be there. They nurture my children by educating them and help them grow as individuals by guiding them socially.  I am able to bring my concerns over an issue directly to them and they actually embrace these issues as if it were one of their own kids.  They work with me as a partner in raising my children and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Because even though my heart is breaking over losing this time with them, I do find comfort in knowing that they are in good hands with loving individuals.  Their teachers will care for them until 3:00pm when they gently pass the baton back to me….and I regain my rightful place by their sides once again until the next day.  We will run this relay race together…parents, teachers, and children for 9 long months all with the same goal in mind.

Together…we will raise a generation who will know how to respect authority, create change in times of necessity, honor the Lord, find compassion for those in need, and leave a positive imprint on our hearts as well as our world.

I guess I can ask for nothing more.