I was speaking to a close friend of mine the other day who is also a stay-at-home mom.  She was talking about how bad she felt that she hadn’t played with her daughter in weeks…..you know…..that sitting down, no distractions, kind of playing.  We were discussing how busy life is, if it’s even possible to slow it down, and that there is just too much to do in one day.  She was determined to stay home for the day and get her house cleaned, but then felt bad because she felt like she was neglecting her daughter.

If on this one day they weren’t going to be running ragged then should she not be playing with her daughter all day instead of worrying about cleaning the house?

I could relate to what she was saying so vividly because I too have struggled with that over the years.  The guilt, albeit unnecessary guilt, that we put on ourselves as mothers seems to be never-ending.  We always feel like we are coming up short and we are because unfortunately, we are striving for perfection and it does not exist in human form.

If I’m running endless errands for days on end, I feel terrible that my child is rushed through eating a fast food lunch and taking her nap in the car as I drive to the next stop on my list.  If we are finally staying home for the day, I feel compelled to clean the house that has been neglected, catch up on laundry, and make a nice meal for the family to enjoy.

Entertaining the child or children at home seems to take a back burner to all the chores, but it’s a catch 22 because you’re either feeling guilty over not playing or feeling guilty about all the chores lining up.  There is no way to win and it’s a never-ending battle of balance.  How do we balance our time between the endless demands that life puts on us and the even larger set of demands we put on ourselves to be these perfect parents?

While I rarely have useful advice to dole out…mind you, the emphasis is on “useful“…I had a moment of clarity this morning that I offered my friend.  It is something I have had to remind myself of over the years, and it really is all about balance.  True, there are the days when everything needs to be set aside…..forget about the cooking, cleaning, and errands…..pull up a piece of carpet, sit down with your child, and just be in the moment with them.  Play with them, entertain them, teach them…truly give them your undivided attention.  Nothing else really matters in this life and everything else can wait.

However, there is also something to be said for just being home with them.  As stay-at-home moms, we put this unrealistic demand on ourselves that if we don’t work outside the home, then we should be there to be our child’s entertainment 100% of the time…. and as unpopular as my opinion may be with some of the “experts”, I don’t completely agree with that.

I mean, if they were in a childcare center, they would not have a one-on-one caregiver assigned to them to follow them around all day long and cater to their every whim and fancy.  If they are in school, they need to share their teacher’s attention with 20+ other children.  I feel it’s actually a disservice to our kids to make them feel like they are the only thing in the world that deserves attention because as they get older, they have to learn the hard way that this is not true at all.  They will need to share the attention of their caregivers for the rest of their lives.  And there is nothing more demanding than a toddler or pre-schooler who doesn’t know how to entertain themselves or use their imagination. I’m not suggesting that our children are not the most important people in the world; I’m saying that they are not the only thing that needs attention in this world.

I can say this because I made that mistake with my first two children.  I had my first two children within 17 months of each other and back then….I had the time to sit around with them all day and play with them.  We lived in a tiny little apartment that took less than 30 minutes to clean.  We had a fraction of the laundry we currently have so that only needed to be done a couple times a week. We only had one car so when their dad was at work, I was “grounded” in the apartment so running errands wasn’t even an option.  I felt like the best mom in the world because my children were never in front of the TV. We played all day long together, and by 17 months old, right before her brother was born, I had taught Kylie all her shapes, colors, and quite a bit of the alphabet.   By the time she was 2, she was “reading” entire books to us (she really just had them memorized, but regardless, she had entire books memorized).

As our family grew, so did the house and the responsibilities.  I no longer had the time to play all day long with children 3, 4, and 5 and there is a marked difference in their personalities because of it.  My first two children struggled considerably as they got older to entertain themselves.  They did not have the ability to sit down with a puzzle or a bag of blocks and use their imagination.  They constantly wanted me to do it for them, and I realized then that I had done a huge disservice for them by constantly being their playmate.

My younger children, even to this day, are much more content to just “be”.  They do not always need to be around friends.  They do not constantly need me to tell them what they could be doing for fun.  And they know how to be content with playing quietly next to me instead of always playing with me.  What I did with my first two children was create a measure of “high maintenance” personalities.  And today, I take comfort in knowing that while my 16 month old may not know her colors or shapes yet, she does know how to pick up her toys and care for her belongings….something she is learning from watching me pick up the house…..something my older two kids never saw me do.

So again, I think it is all about balance.  I will push aside the dirty dishes to put together a puzzle with my little one, but I will also teach her how to be content with coloring next to mommy as I fold laundry.  And I truly believe that none of my children will ever remember whether or not they played more with me or played more next to me….what I pray they will remember when they look back on their childhood is that I was ALWAYS there!

I was there to make them lunch every afternoon, and I always made their PB & J with the crusts cut off just how they like it. I was there to snuggle them in for every nap with their favorite blankie. I was the one who took them to the pool in the summer and the museum each winter. I provided a clean, safe, loving environment for them to spend their days in….and a fun, active home for them to enjoy. I was there to kiss away the boo-boos and teach them how to share with others.

And perhaps when they become adults, they will realize that I was the one who put aside my personal goals to make sure I was always there to foster their dreams.