Do you ever feel you are walking down the street naked? I mean, completely butt-ass naked. I think that is the best way I can articulate how it feels to be a blogger.
I received an email from a close family member today that was less than thrilled with a few of my blog posts. This person had not taken the time to read it prior to now, and decided to sit down and read through virtually every post I have written since I started this last April. I have made mention of things in my life that indirectly relate to this person as well as directly mentioned this person. I thought that everything I had written was fair, honest, and even a bit minimized in an effort to not offend or disrespect anyone, not this person or any other member of my family. But apparently, I did not do such a hot job because the light I painted this person in was not favorable in his/her eyes. Even things I wrote with no intention or inkling of this person was construed wrong and taken out of context. I read the email and cried because I never intended to make this person look bad in any way, but that is how my words were interpreted and there is nothing I can do about it now.
There was also the snafu with Avery’s school (read the follow up here). If you remember, I had written some things about his school that some people did not agree with, and it ended up in a call from the Principal to address the issue. All turned out for the best because it opened the door to a conversation that needed to happen regardless of how it was initiated. However, there is still one teacher in particular that will barley look at me anymore, much less chit-chat with me since that post, and I can only assume…and I am admitting this is a pure assumption on my part…that this silence treatment is due to that one post.
Perhaps you remember the post that compelled a dear friend to start praying for my family (read the follow up here). I was shocked by her email as I was merely venting in my writing for that day, but it was construed by her and many others much differently than I had intended it to come across.
These are just a few examples of why I feel completely naked walking down the streets of my town, enter my children’s school, or sitting down at a family function. I know that many people I come into contact with know my entire life story. They know the in’s and out’s of my marriage and divorce, they know personal details regarding my children and their struggles, and there is truly nothing left in my life that is private or privileged information.
Some days I’m ok with that. Yesterday I was thrilled with all the positive feedback and happy to be a blogger. After all, the point of starting the blog was to reach out to other women who may be struggling or experiencing the same kinds of issues, but who are too afraid to speak up about it. My intention was to put myself out there in an effort to draw out others….to let women know that they are not the only ones with skeletons in their closets, weight management issues, or struggles within their marriage. When I started writing, it was as therapeutical for me as I was hoping it would be for others.
But lately, as my numbers have grown and more women that I know approach me…or I receive emails like the one I got today from a family member or perhaps a concerned friend….I feel more and more vulnerable. I feel less willing to be completely honest and really put it all out there. I can’t seem to cope with the backlash of it all. The positive feedback is wonderful and keeps me inspired, but there are many days (like today) when I just don’t want to be so “exposed”. I don’t want everyone and their mother knowing about my personal life. I don’t want to offend family members or worry friends over things that are of little relevance in the big picture. I don’t want my child labeled or looked at differently simply because I chose to write about his struggles. I don’t want women looking at me with pity in their eyes over my poor, pathetic life.
I know that it is all a choice. I’m not claiming to be a victim here. I choose to put myself out there. I chose to give out the site to friends and family and encouraged them to read. I understand that I have full disclosure rights. I can keep things private. I can pick and choose what I want to share. Believe it or not, I actually do. There are many topics that I sugar coat or breeze over or don’t even write about at all anymore because the back lash was too much. But if I really start censoring myself to the point where I don’t feel naked and exposed anymore, then my writing is lacking what I think most people plug in for…the feeling. The honest, truthful, and heartfelt vulnerability that is common in my posts. If I stop putting it all out there, and I start writing about the weather, then there really is no point in continuing to write.
I mean, I don’t earn a penny from this. I have no motivation other than to sincerely tell my story and hope that others can relate….that my words move someone, somewhere. I hope that people will stop judging me…stop looking at me when we meet in the hall or on the street with pity in their eyes and start to see this for what it was intended…an outreach of sorts. I want people to see my writing as a refreshing change from the polite, but ever so artificial attitude that most women give off because they feel they have no other choice. I truly do not set out to offend or disrespect anyone and when my writing comes across the wrong way, those are the types of fall-0uts that cannot be taken back. I don’t write about my struggles because I want my readers to feel sorry for me and to throw myself a pity party simply because I do struggle. I write because I want other women to know that they are not alone, and it’s really ok to admit they struggle too. I really want to know that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one who doesn’t have it all together.
I want people who read this to appreciate my thoughts, not because it reads as a juicy novel at times and is a pleasant distraction from their own lives, but rather motivates them to look at themselves and their own lives…to be honest with who they are, what they are struggling with, and most of all, compels them to stop being fake with the world, and start being real. I want my words to inspire women to get real with their families, to be more honest with friends, to be more vulnerable with each other and with themselves. I want women to admit that their lives are far from perfect, that they don’t have all the answers and they don’t have it all together like our society tells us we should. I want women to start being more vulnerable themselves, as opposed to merely appreciating my vulnerability, so we can all stop talking about the weather and start talking about real life…the stuff that everyone needs to talk about but is too afraid to open up about.
And if my writing cannot accomplish that….if I cannot begin to break down the barriers that exist between women and this artificial need to appear perfect all the time, then I will need to rethink this blog all together. Perhaps if all I am doing is eliciting anger from some, offending others, and drawing pity from the majority, then I have failed in my intentions and need to find a different venue in accomplishing my goals.
I guess I will keep you all “posted“! ;o)
