My youngest son….my Avery….turns 7 tomorrow.  It’s his golden birthday and he cannot wait.  Just seeing the excitement in his eyes makes me feel like a kid again.  He could hardly wait to go to bed tonight because the anticipation of his big day was just too much.  I’m sure many of you can relate to that feeling…it’s like going to bed on Christmas Eve and lying there as still as can be…just hoping to hear hooves on the roof top.  I still get those butterflies in my stomach when I go to bed on Christmas Eve…and my children get that same feeling when it’s the night before their birthday.  

 Honestly, I am overwhelmed whenever one of my children has another birthday.  It is always a bittersweet day for me.  While I am so grateful that the good Lord has blessed us with another year together, I also know that they are one more year closer to being an adult…to moving out and on with their life.  I want to cling to them like crazy glue and hold onto them for dear life.  I want to stop the hands of time and just love them at this age forever.

Avery must have sensed my melancholy this evening because he came over to me while I was sitting on the couch and without a word; he reached out his precious little hand for mine.  He took my thumb and started rubbing the top of my nail like he always used to do as a toddler.  He looked up at me and said, “See mom, I still like to do this”….and so began the water works!

Regardless of my reluctance to move forward the hands of time, I know that with each new year comes a new and exciting stage in our lives together.  There are new experiences to be had that only come with time and the rite of passage from one year to the next.  There are precious memories to create so that next year…on this same night…I can look back at my son’s seventh year of life with warmth in my heart and wonder where the time has gone.

 And without fail, I will do as I do every year on the night before their big day…as I did tonight with Avery….

I will tuck them in a little tighter…I will say prayers with them a little slower….and I will wipe away the tears from my eyes when I say goodnight to my little 6 year old…and look forward to saying good morning to my big 7 year old!

I stumbled across this entry in my journal from a couple of years ago. While my situation has changed dramatically since that day (thank God for Natalie), I thought the sentiment was worth publishing. As summer approaches, the message is a good reminder to all of us moms that our time with our children is precious and limited, so cling to it like super glue! I’m sure that many of you can relate to the feelings tied up in YOUR first day of Kindergarten…and Avery, this one is for you!

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Today may quite possibly be one of the most difficult and gut retching days of my life. In my 31 years, I have never dreaded the first day of kindergarten quite like I have today. For the past eleven years, since the day my first daughter was born, I have been a stay-at-home mom. Granted, I have picked up part-time jobs here and there, but my heart has always been at home.

Summer has always been my favorite season, and it actually has very little to do with the weather. You see, each school year I send my babies off to school, but each summer my children came back to me. Summer is all ours. Beach days, swimming at the local pool, parks, picnics, cookouts, little league; it doesn’t matter. It is summer and it is all ours.

But today….wow…..today is the first day of school. My baby, my youngest, went off to his first full day of kindergarten today. Today is the first day in 11 years that my proud title of “stay-at-home mom” doesn’t apply any longer. There are no more babies to care for this morning. There is no toddler running around; there is no lunch to make; there are no naps to take; there is no more snuggling on the couch in our PJ’s to watch morning cartoons. That phase in our time together is gone, and I can never get it back.

Today is much more monumental for me than it is for my 5 year old. He is blissfully off and running, starting a new and exciting phase in his life, while I am forced into “early retirement”. I need to find a new title; a new job description; a new purpose for my days and quite frankly, I don’t want to. I love my job. It fulfills me. It is my calling in life, and it’s passing by at break-neck speed.

I left my baby on the playground today and along with him, a huge chunk of my heart. I pray that my children will keep my heart close to them throughout their days at school, and I know that in approximately 270 days, I will get it back. We can start all over again for those few brief, but cherished months of summer where I can be gainfully “employed” again. A time when I can proudly announce my title ounce again to the world: I am a “stay-at-home mom”!

But until then, I guess I must go and find a new job; a new title that better suites who I must reluctantly become. And in the mean time, I pray that our time together was enough.

I pray that I was enough.