While I have a very strong tendency to over-analyze, psycho-analyze, and generally over-think most situations in my life, I am pleased to say that today was not one of those days.  My mind actually got a chance to rest and regroup for tomorrow’s round of stress and worry.  

Today I just relaxed…mentally speaking.  I didn’t worry about the bills I cannot pay.  I did not fret about the $0.50 left in the checking account or the $2.00 check that won’t clear tomorrow.  

Today I did not stress about what to do with my life or what I want to be when I grow up.  

Today I let myself off the hook for the wife I ought to be or the mother I am not. 

Today I allowed myself to clear my mind of all that is negative and only focused on the positive.  

Today I thanked God…aloud…for the abundance of blessings in my life.

Today I was as content and peaceful as a pipe-toting hippie, and it felt great!  

Today I walked with my daughter.  I spent time with my mother.  I enjoyed the sunshine.  I basked in the moment without a second thought given to what’s next…. 

Today was a good day….

so good….I might even try it again tomorrow!! ;o)

Life is so short…so precious.

 I received a phone call a couple of weeks ago from a dear friend.  She told me that her mom’s cancer was back and this time, it was terminal.  I paused…sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity….searching my mind for something to say…anything….any words that could possibly bring comfort to my friend….and all I came up with was, “I’m so sorry”.  

Not enough, I know…not nearly enough.

We spoke for quite a while.  I was amazed at how she tried comforting me by asking what was going on in my life.  I mean, what in the world could I possibly talk about that would not sound ridiculous and self-absorbed after hearing her news.  I’m sure that listening to me complain about having an over-booked calendar or my continuous battle over keeping up with the laundry was just what she needed, right?  After hearing about her mother, there was truly nothing I could say that didn’t seem shallow and trivial.  

She said something to me that struck me so deeply.  I will never forget her words when she said, “Sara, I prayed for the wrong thing the last time she got sick.  I prayed for just a little more time with her.  God answered my prayer.  Her cancer went into remission for 2 years before it came back.  Now I wish I would have prayed for more than just a ‘little more time’.”  

Wow!  Again, words failed me.  I felt chills down my spine.  In that moment, I felt the deepest, most sincere pain in the depths of my soul for her.  My entire body actually ached thinking about what it must feel like to wonder if what you prayed for was the right thing. ..to wonder if your prayers were actually answered, quite literally.  Well…I just cannot imagine what that feels like.  

She did say there is hope.  Her mom needs a stem cell transplant, but they have to pray they can find a donor.  I asked her how I could be tested to see if I’m a match, and it’s actually a simple blood test.  I asked her if she could be a potential match and the odds are very slim.  Her words struck me again when she said, “While I may not be a match for my mom, I cannot believe I have never even donated blood.  There could be a family out there, struggling as much as we are that I could be a match for, and I’ve never taken the time to do it.”

 She is right.  She is so right!  I too, have never even taken the time to donate blood.  What if it were my family desperately needing a donor and there were people out there who could save my mother’s life, but just didn’t take the time to be tested.  In that moment, I felt like a very small person.   

My heart is aching for her and her family.  I feel so inadequate as a friend because I am powerless.  My words and actions can do nothing to stop the inevitable pain and agony she is going through as she watches her mother pass away.   Both my husband and I are going to be tested, and you never know.  Even if we cannot be a miracle for my friend’s family, perhaps we can be the answer to someone else’s prayer.  

Again, its not enough…not nearly enough.  

 After hanging up with her, I cried.  I cried for a long time.  I hugged my children.  I told my husband how much I love him.  I called up my mother just to hear her sweet voice….and I prayed.  I prayed that while I am unable to offer true comfort to my friend in her time of need, I know that our good Lord can.  He can wrap His arms around this beautiful family and somehow see them through today and the devastating days that lie ahead.  

I ask all of you who read this to please do the same.  Consider donating blood, but if you can do nothing else…please pray.  

I was at the dermatologist the other day when I had an “ah-ha” moment. I was just there to have a sunspot and a couple of moles removed that sprouted up during my last pregnancy, but I walked away with a deeper understanding of how women’s minds operate.

Me:  “I just need a couple of moles removed on my back.”

Doctor:  “It’s just like pulling weeds out of the garden.” 

Me:  “Yeah….something like that.”

 SIDE NOTE:  For anyone who knows me, they can attest to the fact that I am not the queen of small talk.  It makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable to try and chit-chat about stuff that really doesn’t matter.  After all, nobody even pays attention to what is being said anyway.  At least I don’t.  I get myself so worked up about finding things to talk about in an effort to avoid awkward pauses that I don’t even hear half of what the other person is saying to me.  And no… this is not my “ah-ha” moment.  And yes…there is a point to this story, which I will proceed with imminently.

Moving on, the doctor started engaging in small talk and brought up how his fourth grade daughter hates receiving compliments.  He was completely miffed by why she just can’t stand to hear anyone compliment her. 

Doctor:  “Who doesn’t like compliments?”

My reply was lengthy, and it flowed from my lips without thought which is why I am referring to it as an “ah-ha” moment.

Me:  “Well…in general, women and even young girls don’t like compliments.  Your daughter is getting to an age where she is becoming increasingly more self-conscious.  Believe it or not, but negative self-talk starts at a very young age for females.   And truth be told, the bad stuff we tell ourselves is always easier to believe than the good stuff other people tell us.”

Doctor:  “Really?  Why would she not believe me if I compliment her hair or her new shirt?”

Me:  “Because you are her dad.  You would say something nice to her even if it were not true because you love her and she is smart enough to know that.  Right now, she doesn’t believe the positive feedback you and her mother are giving her.  In the future, it will be the compliments from a boyfriend and eventually from a husband that she will struggle to believe.  Anyone close to her instantly becomes an unreliable source.  Now if the compliment comes from a classmate or even perhaps a teacher, it will carry its weight in gold for her.”

“It’s just my opinion and I’m speaking purely from personal experience so I could be way off the mark.  I just know that any time my husband or my mom give me a compliment, I think they are blowing smoke you-know-where.  Now if a stranger or even an acquaintance gives me the same compliment, I will walk around all day with my head held high and feel proud as can be.” 

Doctor:  “That is so interesting Sara.  I never realized that about her, but you just might be right.  Thank you.” 

And then he started zapping off my moles.  Hey, at least it got me out of the small talk, right? 

Now perhaps this is not your experience with compliments.  Perhaps for you, flattery moves mountains.  But for me, the negative monolog I carry on in my head each day somehow carries much more weight than that of a kind word from a loved one.  I have a deeper awareness of what a significant role my own thoughts can have on my self-esteem.  Realizing how unhealthy this is, I now have the ability to make a conscious effort to change it. 

I’m sure you are thinking at this point…she got all this out of a dermatologist appointment?! 

Indeed, I did.  So you better schedule yours today!  And quit the negative, self-berating small talk you have with yourself.  The complements…they’re true….start believing in them….start believing in yourself!  

Children have to be the greatest gifts God can bestow upon us.  Neither health nor wealth can hold a flame to the joy of having children in our lives.  My children show me every day how precious, sincere and perfect life can be if only viewed through the eyes of a child. I know that being a “domestic engineer”, my paychecks are in the form of hugs and kisses and dandelions picked from the yard.  However, as priceless as these gifts are, I am really talking about the unconventional blessings our children give us.  Over the past 12 years, with all five of my children, I have been secretly blessed with countless sleepless nights, more stomach flu’s than you can shake a fist at, and endless wars-of-will over bedtime.  Not until recently though, did I ever appreciate them quite as I do now.  It never occurred to me that even in these less than perfect times with my children, a blessing was among us.

 A couple of years ago I had the humbling honor of hearing one family’s tragic story which has forever changed me.  I do not even know this family, but their experience opened my eyes forever.  This family had a 3-year-old little girl who came crawling into her mommy and daddy’s bed one night and died within 15 minutes of snuggling in-between them.  No cause of death was ever determined, and she passed away quietly in the comfort of her parent’s bed.  Ever since the moment I heard about that family’s tragedy, I have not stopped thinking about them and the depths of the sorrow that they must live with every day since the loss of their little girl.   

 While I cannot even begin to understand the good Lord’s reasons for such tragedies, I do know that we should all be taking lessons away from them.   I now see very clearly that I am so fortunate that my children are even alive to fight with me about bedtime or color all over the walls with a sharpie.  I am so privileged that that the severity of the illness that strikes our home is the flu and asthma.  Now, events that used to be a test of my patience are some of my most cherished moments.

  In my world, the fact that last night I laid in a rock hard bed for three hours so my 6 year old could fall asleep after a bad dream is one of the most precious gifts this life has to offer.  We laid there together in the still of the night, restless and anxious.  He held my thumb, as he always does, until it was pruned from the moisture of his tiny little hand.  My back was killing me, I was exhausted, and yet I truly believe it was a gift from God. 

 I may not know much, but I can assure you that there is nothing those parents would not give to have a sleepless night with their little girl because of the flu or an unscheduled, three hour snuggle session because their little one had a bad dream.  I once thought of nights like this as the dreaded, never ending, battle of bedtime, but I now see it for what it is really worth; a fleeting moment I may not be able to capture again and an opportunity I am not guaranteed to experience again. 

 For that, I am eternally grateful.  

Weave your own hierarchy of needs and live by it.

Create choices.

Make decisions.

Set goals.

Start plans.

Celebrate victories.

Acknowledge setbacks.

We only get one shot at this life…one take. There are no mulligans once it is all said and done. So what are we waiting for?

Tomorrow…next week?

When we have more money?

When we have more time?

When things settle down…once things get easier…once the dust settles….once the New Year arrives?

Once he changes or she commits to it?

The list of excuses is immeasurable but our time on Earth is not. So what do you want to leave behind?

  A list of to dos…a list of excuses…a list of regrets…a neatly organized plan that you failed to act on…

What will be your legacy?

 I tried to sit down the other day and make a list of what I really wanted out of life.  Aside from the obvious health and happiness for my children, safety and prosperity for my friends and family, etc. I came up with four things that I either currently struggle with or have and want more of.  1.  Respect….from family and friends.  2.  Financial Stability…not to be rich, just to be comfortable 3. Success…in every aspect of my life.  4.  A closer understanding and relationship with God

 Respect:  How can I demand it and expect it when I do not give it or show it?  If we reap what we sow, then I must spread seeds of respect in order to harvest respect.  If I degrade myself mentally by negative thoughts; if I deny myself physically by ignoring my own health; if I insult my own spirituality by downplaying my need for God, then who is my biggest enemy?  Is it my children who disrespect my authority?  Is it my husband who raises his voice to me?  Is it my boss who demeans me?  No!  I am at fault first and foremost.  In failing to show myself respect on all levels-mentally, physically, and spiritually-I am merely reaping the disrespect I have sown.  I cannot command of others what I fail to command of myself. 

A Closer relationship and understand of God:  It may just come to you, but odds are not in your favor for clairvoyance as the answer to your prayers.  God has actually given us the manual to life.  How to live the life we all dream of.  It is written in black and white and red and yet most of us are still searching for the answers.  We are looking for a better solution to our problems.  We really just make things more complicated than they need to be.  If we truly want to know how to live out the rest of our days, then why not just pick up the life manual God gave us?  I know why I do not always turn to His Word for the answers.  It is hard.  It is so hard to live His Will and forgo my own that I would much rather struggle through life in search of an easier way to do things.  Yet searching and struggling cannot be any easier than just doing it His Way.  Is it really that hard or perhaps when you chose to try it His way, it becomes the easiest thing you have ever done. 

Financial Stability:  It is a constant work in progress.  It will not fall in my lap.  It will not present itself in a dream.  And we all know it will not grow on trees.  Rather, we must seize it like a thief in the night or opportunity knocking on our door.  We must make the tough choices in order to see it to fruition.  Make cuts in the budget where it is needed.  Work harder for that which matters most.  Decide what matters most first though, or it will be a work in futility.  Not everything can carry the same weight when money is tight. 

Success:  If we feel we have achieved success; if we stop ourselves from aspiring to succeed, then we give up on all the other things that keep us moving in life.   If I feel I have reached the pinnacle of success at work, at home, with God, then what motivation do I have to keep raising the bar?  The Glass Ceiling must be in constant motion.  We must always see it clearly and be reaching for it.  Once we touch it…once it is shattered…then we must raise the roof higher and work towards reaching new heights.

 With these, respect, financial stability, sucess, and a closer relationship with God, we can all find peace of mind, body, home, and spirit.  These are the four things I am going to continue to strive for in an effort to reap what I sow!