I do believe this post will be my most difficult to pen in quite awhile. I have been trying to create the first draft in my mind since the day of my son, Emery, was born, but I always get overwhelmed with emotion and end up deciding to put it on hold for the moment. Well, I realized today that it’s now been nearly 3 weeks since his birth and it is time to try and find the right words to adequately describe his birth day.

Friday, March 26, 2010 our lives were forever changed. With the birth of my 6^th child, my heart has been irrevocably altered. Just when I believed I could not possibly love any more than I already did, God helped Emery come into this world and in that instant; I could actually feel my heart expanding. The best part of having children is that God never puts a limit on how much love our hearts can hold. He just helps the heart expand so you can hold even more love than you ever thought possible.

My older 4 children had spent Thursday night at their dad’s home. When I said my goodbyes to them that evening, I held them a little longer…..squeezed them a little tighter. When they finally pulled away from my embrace, they each looked at me like I was nuts because after all, they go to their dad’s house all the time so why was I being so “weird” about it this time. They knew I was having the baby the next day, but what they didn’t know…what they could never realize at their young ages…is how deeply I love them or what they mean to me!

I went in at 7:30am on Friday morning and was actually a few minutes late because we stayed at home a little too long trying to explain to Grandma, who was staying at the house to care for Miss Natalie while we were in the hospital, every last detail of how Natalie’s life typically runs. And as most parents tend to do, we completely forgot that she had raised my husband and he managed to come through childhood with flying colors, so the odds were in Natalie’s favor that Gram could hold down the fort for 2 days. So after all the explaining was through (complete with a 2 page, typed reference guide just in case she forgot anything I had just told her)….I kissed my baby girl goodbye knowing that our lives….her life…was about to change forever.

We got to the hospital and checked in. Things started kind of rough and to be quite honest, it was one of the most difficult labors I have ever experienced. It was the little things that seemed to go wrong. My doctor came in to break my water. The hope was that with me already being 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced, all it would take is my water to break to bring on the contractions and kick off my labor. But it wouldn’t break. That’s correct…you read that right. He couldn’t get my water to break! Have you ever heard of such a thing? I know I hadn’t. He went up there with his rather large crochet needle and after scraping around in there like he was carving a pumpkin, he said he couldn’t get it to break because the baby’s head was right there and he didn’t want to poke around too much and risk hitting the baby’s head!

So, we went with option #2, which was to start an IV and administer Pitocin. Another relatively easy task; however, it took 2 nurses and 4 very painful prods with needles to even get my IV started. What normally would have taken 5 minutes turned into nearly an hour long production and I had bruises on my arms that made me look like a heroin addict!

The IV was finally in place, the Pitocin was flowing by 9am, and I just wanted to walk the halls with Corey as we had done with Natalie’s labor. Another normal event for labor…walking the halls to get the contractions rolling, but instead, I ended up taking 3 laps around the floor and then the nurses had to put me in bed for the rest of the labor. The monitors I was hooked up to would not track the baby’s heart rate like they were supposed to if I moved AT ALL! So walking became out of the question and even sitting up or changing positions in bed ended up being off limits. Once they got the monitor in place enough to pick up his heart beat, I had to sit as still as possible in order not to lose it again. And as many of you mothers out there know, sitting in one position for an extended period of time when in labor, makes for a much more uncomfortable and painful labor indeed!

After several hours, I decided to go ahead with an epidural to relieve the pain. Without being able to move much and with the Pitocin being increased every 15 minutes or so, I had decided I wanted some pain relief so the anesthesiologist was called to my room. Now, I had a problem with my epidural during Natalie’s birth so I was very nervous about this to begin with. I asked the nurses before the doctor arrived about how good he was, and I was told by several nurses that this particular anesthesiologist was the best of the best! I sighed a huge sigh of relief and confirmed my decision for the epidural.

And this is where the fun really began. For some unknown reason to me, the nurses, or the doctor, he could not get the catheter that is inserted into the spine positioned properly. He went through an entire tray of needles and supplies. I had to make him stop after numerous attempts because I could not stand the pain any longer…the pain from the needles he was sticking in my back, not the contractions I was having. We decided to check my cervix to see how dilated I was. If I was far enough along, we were going to stop trying to administer the epidural and just do the birth the old fashioned way. Unfortunately, I was only at 5 cm and I was so panicked that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the rest of the labor without pain relief, that I actually let this maniac try one more time to get the job done. Looking back, I wish I would have had more faith in my ability to handle the pain on my own, but fear drove me to let the lunatic hit me again with another needle. It finally worked this time, but when all was said and done, it had taken him SEVEN attempts with large needles going into my spine…SEVEN different attempts to get the catheter in the right spot. You know it was a rough day when the doctor himself looks at you and says,

“I have only had one patient, other than you, in 25 years where this has happened. I don’t smoke, but I think I need a cigarette after that one!”

Well, if he thought he needed a cigarette, just imagine what I needed at about that time!

And then things went from painful to excruciating because the epidural only “took” on the left side of my body!!! I couldn’t feel my left side at all, I was completely numb, but I could feel every single contraction on my right side. So after all the pain I went through trying to get the epidural administered, I was still going to have to go through this labor naturally anyway…at least on the right side of my body.

Looking back, I am actually glad it only worked on one side because I can finally say I know what labor and delivery feels like from start to finish. It was truly the most pain I have ever experienced in my life….more pain than any other birth….but I would endure that kind of pain a thousand times over to end up with such an amazing gift at the end of it all.

At 3:10pm on Friday, March 26, 2010 Mr. Emery Lee Sass came into this world weighing 9lbs 4oz and 19inches long. That’s correct….NINE POUNDS, FOUR OUNCES!!!

As many of you know, we didn’t know what we were having, so the moment he was out, I heard my husband yell, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” And I was flooded with emotion…joy, excitement, and relief that my baby boy was finally here. He was here and he was healthy. He was perfect in every single way.

I will never forget the moment the doctor placed him on my chest and feeling his warm skin against mine or hearing my husband’s declaration of gender. I will never erase the image of watching Corey hold his son for the very first time. It literally moved me to tears to be part of such an amazing moment in time.

God had somehow loved me enough to grant me yet another miracle. I know I don’t deserve him….I don’t deserve such an amazing gift, but he’s here and I will forever be grateful for God’s good grace.

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I have now written this several times over….deleted it…rewritten it….edited it to death….and have come to the overwhelming conclusion that I am utterly hopeless in my attempt to describe something there are no words for. I simply cannot put down on paper what this kind of love feels like. I am incapable of describing to you the vastness of the experience or the immense grasp this little boy now has on my heart.

I am unable to articulate my amazement every time I look at his tiny little fingers and toes….

My joy when he opens his eyes and I can see that he knows I’m his mama….

The awe I feel whenever I witness my older children interact with him as if he has been in our lives forever….

My intense gratefulness I have for God’s grace in giving me yet another perfect being to love and care for…..

As I said, where the words I’ve written here today have failed me…I pray that the love I feel will speak volumes to my son and while I may not be able to articulate my feelings with words…
Emery will somehow know what I am unable to say.

The big day is nearly here.  We are less than 30 hours away from my scheduled induction and I am just reeling with emotion.

A TINY bit of disappointment:

As many of you know, I have been induced with my 5 previous pregnancies, so the birth of my children has never been a surprise for me.   With my first couple of children, it really didn’t matter much to me.  I was so excited to meet them, that being induced at 38 weeks (with both of them due to asthma complications), seemed great to me.

But as children 3, 4, & 5 joined us, I became increasingly more distraught over the induction idea.  I just wanted that spontaneous moment so badly.  I had played the scenario over and over again in my head thousands of times with each pregnancy.

It’s the middle of the night….I wake up in a puddle….shake my hubby vigorously to wake him up and tell him “it’s time”!

Or, I’m making dinner and I have a noticeable contraction….and then another….and then another. I soon realize that these contractions, unlike the ones I was feeling prior to this moment, are meeting all the criteria for real labor. They are time- able, they are growing increasingly more intense, and the reality sets in that “it’s time”!

However, I have never had the opportunity for these or any of my other labor fantasies to play out. With child 3, I was induced at 37 weeks because of my asthma. With baby 4, I had preeclampsia so I was induced at 36 weeks. With child 5, I was induced at 39 weeks, again due to my asthma.

I guess I’ve always resented the predictability of it all. I always found out the sex of the baby so that was no surprise. We always had the name chosen well in advance so that was no surprise. I was always induced so the birth date was no surprise. And after the first couple of children, each labor progressed exactly the same way so even my labors were no surprise.

I certainly know there are worse tragedies out there than knowing the day you are going to have your baby. It does come with the benefits of being able to be fully prepared, have sitters lined up, making sure every last detail in my home is in order, etc. So I do try and focus on the positives that being induced offers, but I still just wanted this last baby….my last chance to do it on my own…..to come on his or her own. However, due to my asthma (again) and probably equally due to my OB’s fondness of having it scheduled, I will be induced at 7:30am on Friday, March 26^th.

And while I may know when the baby will be born, this time around….for the first time ever….I have no idea if we are having a boy or girl so we will have the biggest surprise of all on Friday!

A bit of fear mixed with a touch of sadness:

I’m sure the fear needs no explanation. I don’t fear the labor….just that the baby comes out healthy. I cannot even imagine what I would do if something went wrong with labor and there was a problem with the baby, so that fear and anxiety, I believe, is normal for any mother about to give birth.

The sadness….well…..I always feel a twinge of sadness and have to choke back a whole lot tears when I tuck my babies into bed the night before our lives will change forever. I love my life so much. I adore the dynamics of our family so much that knowing things are going to change and never be the same once we wake up in the morning, I can’t help but feel sad for what I have to say goodbye to.

But most of all….more than any other emotion….I feel so much joy, excitement, anticipation, and love in my heart! I am so excited to walk the halls of the hospital with Corey through my labor….stopping along the way to breathe through the contractions and feeling his strong hand holding my hand with each step…..listening to his soft-spoken, but firm words of encouragement when I’m struggling several hours into the process. I am already overwhelmed with the mere thought of Corey holding his baby girl or boy for the very first time. Just thinking about witnessing such a tender moment brings me to tears.

I cannot wait to hold my newest blessing from God myself. I want to count all his or her fingers and toes and see if he/she has blonde hair or brown hair. I am overwhelmed with love for this child already, but I know that the moment that baby is placed on my tummy, my heart will swell even larger than I could have imagined.

So as I tuck my babies into bed tonight….as I pack my bag in anticipation for the big day….I pray that all will go well.

I pray that God will help our family transition from a family of 7 to a family of 8.

I pray my children will adjust well to the newest addition.

I pray that our latest miracle will be healthy as can be.

I pray….I pray….and I pray some more.

Alright, I had written a 2-page post about the new house…how much I’m enjoying the decorating, painting, arranging and then rearranging furniture, etc. HOWEVER, my flippen computer decided to go “offline” about 3 sentences into my 2-page post, and I did not realize it. After I was finished writing it, I hit the “save draft” button and what to my wondering eyes do appear, but the dreaded “this webpage cannot be displayed” message (and 8 tiny reindeer)….so once I got myself back online, my computer had only auto saved those first 3 sentences. Frustrated, I had to walk away and have now lost all inspiration to discuss my passion for faux finishes and the blank canvass my new home has presented me with.

So, I guess you are stuck with an update about my pregnancy and my new found love of anything I previously used to hate! Take for example, the 2 packages of Starburst I have purchased for my snacking pleasure during Kylie’s last 2 volleyball games. I don’t think I’ve eaten a Starburst in 15 plus years, and all of a sudden, I’m downing them like an 8 year old looking for a quick sugar buzz before he hits the playground for a hot game of recess kickball. I just cannot seem to get enough of that fake, fruity goodness (so much for my health food kick).

And then there’s my new addiction to Krunchers Jalapeno potato chips. This fun little snack with a kick like no other has been my new passion for the past 24 hours. We had a makeshift birthday celebration for my son, Brady, who turned 10 last Thursday. He was fortunate enough be hit with the H1N1 virus right before his big day. My poor baby spent his birthday with a terrible fever and laid in his bed for 12 hours straight.

Anyway, he is finally feeling better so my parents joined us last night for a belated birthday celebration and that is when I discovered how great spicy, extra crunchy chips could really be. The oddest thing is I hate spicy foods. Anything that has a peppery bite to it and makes my tongue burn sends me running in the opposite direction. So why did I feel the need to consume half the bag last night and today worked my way through the other half of the bag, I guess it is a mystery I am not meant to understand at this point and I’m ok with that.

For the time being, I’m really enjoying all sorts of tasteful delights that have eluded me over the years. I know I can thank these wonderful pregnancy hormones for the swift shift in my taste bud preferences, but now if they would only back off a little on my tear ducts because this crying-every-day business is really getting old!

Apparently all I needed to do was call myself out on the Internet about struggling with motivation, and boom…I’m on a roll!  It was within minutes of my last post when my attitude shifted into high gear. I got so angry with myself after reading it through that I hopped up, got to work, and haven’t stopped since.  Nearly my entire house is packed up and ready to move, and I’m feeling more confident about the entire process.  We are closing on our new house in FOURTEEN days and I think I may actually be ready for it when the day arrives!!

Anyway, that’s not even what I wanted to write about tonight, but I felt I needed to give an update quickly on my “lazy syndrome”.  I really wanted to talk about good, old-fashioned pregnancy cravings!

My cousin is also expecting at the end of October and I went to lunch with her the other day.  We were swapping pregnancy woes and she was telling me that all she really craves is watermelon, and her husband is craving Mexican (hee-hee).  I have another pregnant friend whom I went to dinner with the other night and she was saying they have been eating allot of pizza at her house lately.

For me, it’s the oddest thing.  When I’m pregnant, I only crave healthy foods.  I know….crazy, isn’t it!  But seriously, when I’m not pregnant, if there is a piece of chocolate within 50 feet of me, it will audibly call my name…taunt me from the cupboard…until I cave and savor every last bite.  However, just last week there was a Kit-Kat sitting on my nightstand….just inches from me every night…and that candy bar sat there for nearly a week before I decided to enjoy it out of pure boredom.  Really, I think I ate it because I was getting concerned that it was sitting around for so long and I didn’t want it.  I felt like something was truly, fundamentally wrong with me because I hadn’t eaten it yet.  I didn’t even hear it whisper my name.  But the tomatoes…the tomatoes in my fridge are calling for me loud and clear.  I cannot keep myself away from fresh veggies.

I’m actually rather predictable.  Every pregnancy has gone the same for me, at least regarding my cravings.  In the beginning, I cannot consume enough bananas.  Many days when the nausea is taking over, bananas are all that get me through.  Bananas, banana bread, banana chips…I’m not picky…just very specific. It must be yellow and contain bananas and then I’m satisfied.

As I’ve mentioned, tomatoes are a big hit throughout the 9 months, and I always go through a grapefruit kick for roughly two months…namely months 5 & 6.  If I do crave something less than healthy, it’s for a salty treat.  Sweets just don’t cut it for the most part.  I mean, let’s not get irrational here. Of course I enjoy dessert now and again. Perhaps a DQ treat in my 8th month when I’m already the size of a house and I just say, “Screw it, what’s another few pounds….I’ll take a Blizzard with extra peanut butter cups, please!”

Oh, and I would be remiss to not mention my typical ice craving. Yes, you read that right. ICE. I crave ice when I’m pregnant. It’s usually not until the 3^rd trimester, but it never fails. I always thought I was crazy for this oddity, until one day I was talking with another girlfriend who craved ice as well during her pregnancies. Later on, I came across some research that stated craving ice during pregnancy is a sign of an iron deficiency. Sure enough, I was anemic with each pregnancy. So, I’ll let you know when I start beating my ice cubes to form nice, little, crunchy ice chips.

I know “they” say that our bodies crave what we need, but I have never been a big believer in that theory. I’m not buying that my body “needs” a second Milky Way bar for the day…and sans a little peanut in my belly…those are the things I crave.

So, I guess whatever it is driving me for the closest salad bar, I’ll welcome it with open arms.  I just wish I could bottle it and have those kinds of clearly insane urges when I’m not Pregnant!

Well, I certainly feel better now.  After another busy day of packing, I took a hot bath followed by a cool shower.  I tend to do a ton of thinking and praying while relaxing in the bath or showering and tonight was no different.  Afterwards, I came out and sat in my favorite chair, opened up my laptop and just started….crying!  I’m sure you didn’t see that one coming…that’s ok, neither did I!  Corey is chatting on and on to me…really he’s talking to himself but acting like he’s carrying on a conversation with me…when all of a sudden he stops mid sentence, sees that I’m crying and asks, “What’s wrong?  Why are you crying?”  I can tell that he really doesn’t want the answer to his question because immediately following his inquiry he went back to reading something online, which is his nonverbal way of letting me know that ok, I asked what’s wrong, but if it has to do with me or something I did wrong, than I really don’t feel like getting yelled at tonight!  And he need not worry….these tears have nothing to do with him.  After everything I mulled over in the bath tonight regarding my life right now, I got so overwhelmed in the tub that I must have just needed to “let it out”.  And now that I have….I do feel much better, at least I feel calmer…not so overwhelmed.  But that is not what this post is supposed to be about….

I realized that aside from my proclamation post when I announced the pregnancy, I haven’t blogged about it since then.  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  I’ve just been so consumed with all the other aspects of my life right now that the pregnancy seems to be taking a back seat, and I’m starting to feel bad about that.  I will be 11 weeks on Saturday…11 weeks already!  I’m sure to many of you, this doesn’t seem very far along at all…but it means that I am nearly done with the first trimester already and then there are only 6 months to go!  Only 6 months before I have another little bundle of joy to love, snuggle, and care for.  And believe me, 6 months may seem like a life time away, but I know that the next 6 months are going to fly right past me without so much as chance to catch my breath.  Before I can blink, I’m going to be in labor freaking out because I’m still getting used to the idea of being pregnant so it can’t possibly be time to push already!  Please…somebody give me another 6 months to prepare!!

It’s not like I don’t think about being pregnant and the baby every day, but aside from the physical changes my body is going through that are hard to ignore, I really don’t “feel” pregnant at all.  I mean, I’m sure the tears I just shed could be chalked up to pregnancy hormones..but then again, it could just be from an overwhelming amount of anxiety in my life right now and pregnant or not…tears needed to stream tonight!

Emotionally justified or not, the physical changes are hard to get passed.  I am exhausted…I mean, drop dead, cannot think clearly, delusionally confused kind of exhausted.  Although I certainly don’t help my situation by going to be at 11pm or later every night, getting up at least once in the middle of the night with Natalie (YES…she is STILL waking up in the middle of the night) and needing to wake up at 6am every morning to get the kids ready for school.   I’m sure I should be retiring to my nice, warm bed every evening at 9pm, but the reality is I’m still picking kids up from practice and helping them with homework at that hour so early to bed for a mom with 5 active children is not an option…even if she is pregnant and so tired she cannot see straight.

The morning sickness hasn’t been bad.  I always tend to get it during the evening hours and it holds true for this baby as well.  I have had my moments where the sight of the kids eating a hot dog sends my gag reflexes into overdrive, but all in all, I really cannot complain.

And I have to admit that my belly is starting to bulge already.  I’ve always shown early so this should be no surprise to me.  In past pregnancies, by 2 months I was in maternity pants already so for me to nearly make it to 3 months before the bulge showed up is pretty good.  But it’s now to the point where even my “fat” jeans make me want to lean back and unbutton them within 5 minutes of putting them on so it’s probably time for me to break out my “big girl panties” (this is what I lovingly refer to as my maternity clothes).  I hate making that move though because it’s not like I’m showing enough for those clothes to fit properly either.  I put on a pair today, they nearly fell off of me, and the magic waste band came up so high that it could have doubled as a bra.  So, I guess I’m just at that in between stage where my regular clothes look too tight on me and people are  looking at me and thinking, wow…Sara really put on a few pounds right in the gut area over the summer…and the big girl panties that are way too big today, but will all too soon fit just right.  Yep…that’s the stage I’m at!

So as I’ve mentioned, aside from these for mentioned physical ailments, I’ve really not taken the time to emotionally or mentally embrace this fantastic journey we are on….FOR THE VERY LAST TIME!!  I want to try and push all the concerns and craziness in my life to one side for just a moment and acknowledge, for myself more than anything, that indeed, I am pregnant and the thought of that thrills me beyond compare!  So even though many of you may get sick of reading about it, I am going to make a concerted effort to chronicle this journey through this blog.  I want to share details of how I’m feeling, what it’s like to share this experience with Corey for the second time, how the kids are adjusting to the idea, and much, much more.

Regret is a terrible thing….and something I grapple with on a regular basis, so I refuse to have any regrets over this pregnancy.  I don’t want to look back at this time and wonder why I dedicated a mere handful of posts to such a magnificent and transforming event in our lives.   I don’t want to start this baby’s life already wondering, “where did the time go?”

So I invite you all to join me on this marvelous adventure and share with me the trials and tribulations of a soon-to-be mother of 6!

I know many of you who have been following my blog for a while realize how difficult my weight struggle has been over the years and especially over the past year since I had my daughter, Natalie.  So at my doctor’s appointment last week, I expressed my weight concerns with him.  I told him that I was still carrying 10 extra pounds around since Natalie’s birth and with the way I gain weight during pregnancy, I’m going to be the size of a house again in no time.  I mean, my metabolism is so shot that if I consume more than 1200 calories a day, I gain weight…and I mean I gain pounds a week.  Needless to say, I’m slightly stressed out about eating enough to fuel my growing baby’s needs, my body’s needs, and the fact that I’m still in the process of weaning Natalie so making milk requires caloric intake as well.  But again, as I stated, whenever I eat anything more than green leaves, I gain weight at record speed.  Ok…so back to the conversation with the doctor….

As I was expressing my concern about my excess weight I really just expected him to say not to worry about it while I’m pregnant.  I assumed he would recommend that I stick to a healthy diet and worry about the extra pounds once you give birth…or something to that effect.  I truly just expected him to ease my concerns and tell it was ok that I was going to turn into Dom Delawise again, but apparently, that was not the case.  He actually told me that a pregnant woman can lose up to 20% of her body weight within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy before it’s any kind of risk to the fetus.  He then proceeds to tell me, in a very politically correct manner, that he is not suggesting that I diet, but if I did lose 5-10lbs, that would be fine with him!

SERIOUSLY??? FINE WITH HIM IF I LOOSE 5-10LBS…..

So does this mean that I now actually have to worry about dieting during pregnancy?  He even  continued on with telling me that all I need to do is cut out carbs from my diet and I’ll lose weight.   He acknowledged that carbs are all I will be craving “like crazy” being pregnant, so it may be difficult to do.  But anytime I crave a carb I should just “reach for a cashew instead” and I’ll lose some weight!  And he wrapped up the visit by telling me not to beat myself up too much about any weight gain I have during these first few months since water retention is the real culprit for that if it does happen.

Again…SERIOUSLY???

I walked out of the office feeling like I was just blindsided by a flippen bus.  So I went home and did what any apparently over-weight, soon to be dieting, pregnant woman would do….I grabbed the nearest loaf of bread I could find and downed about 4 pieces of toast!  I chased that with several servings of FULL FAT chips and walked out of the kitchen trying to mentally prepare myself for jump-starting my new “cashew diet” tomorrow!

Well, that appointment was nearly a week ago and I have yet to buy any cashews.  I’m really just angry with myself for even mentioning my concerns to the doctor because now I really feel like the pressure is on to lose some weight.  Had I just shut my mouth, he certainly wouldn’t have brought it up or offered up such gracious “helpful hints”.

I know that I shouldn’t stress about this but hey…stressing is what I do best.  And I really will never forget the moment when I was 9 months pregnant with Natalie and a mom from school came up to me…actually stopped me in my tracks…to tell me that she was so happy that I’m a “real woman”.  She proceeded to explain that she can’t stand these women that don’t gain weight anywhere but a tiny bump in their belly when their pregnant.  She was thrilled to see that like her, I gained weight ‘EVERYWHERE”!  Yes…she actually had the audacity…or stupidity…to say this 3 inches from my 9-month pregnant face!  She was right…I do gain weight EVERYWHERE and I gain alot of it…and I also envy and dagger stare at the little twits that gain 15lbs and loose it before they leave the hospital….but to actually say it my face…WOW!  I walked around the rest of the day with a bag of cheese puffs in one hand and a tissue in the other from the uncontrollable sobbing!  So as you can imagine…some of my preganncy weight gain fears are at least a little bit substantiated.

So here we are again….extra weight from the last baby….well actually…the last 5 babies

A doctor who wouldn’t “object” to me losing weight while pregnant

And an overly hormonal pregnant woman bouncing between overdosing on salads and CASHEWS!

Good times…good times!!  ;o)